Faithfullness

I can’t believe it has been almost a year since the last time I wrote.  If I can be totally honest, I just wanted to spend time with my girls.  Writing after Grayson was a way of processing my thoughts and emotions and escaping from reality.  When Kinley was born, I realized I didn’t want to miss one moment of either one of my girls.  We made family a priority this last year, as we felt like we just needed to rebuild.  The parts of my life that you all couldn’t see (because I didn’t even see them) were destroying our family.  I can’t even begin to describe to you the cloud that I was under the year after Grayson’s death.  I kind of quit life.  I quit cleaning… I quit cooking… I quit “feeling” anything other than sadness.  And as much as I wanted to be “ok” and tried to be “ok”, I just wasn’t.  I KNEW that I trusted in God’s sovereignty, but for whatever reason, I felt like showing my anger, was not trusting God.  And can I just share with you guys how angry I was at God for taking my son?  I knew he was in a better place and ultimately with someone who loves him more than I ever could, but that didn’t take away the fact that Grayson wasn’t here.  That I didn’t and still don’t have a little boy here on earth.  And that made my heart so sad (and still does).  I could cry at the thought that I have the cutest little boy bedding downstairs with no promise that it will ever be used.  I just wasn’t myself in the year after Grayson’s death.  The light in my eyes was gone.  And while I questioned what my life would hold. I can tell you that I knew God had a plan. I knew God would redeem my heart. And I knew God’s grace would cover all.  And boy did it do that and WAY more.  The day Kinley was born, it was like the veil fell.  Tears fell.  Tears of complete and utter joy and tears of complete and utter sadness.  A smile came through that had been lurking in the dark for far too long.  I felt ALIVE.  And not just that, I was thankful to be alive!

This week, I have been reflecting on God’s faithfulness to me since we lost Grayson.  While my heart still has a lot of healing to do, I have seen God’s faithfulness over and over again.  Just a couple days ago, Kinley was running a fever and Damon gave her to me while I held her in the shower. She didn’t want me to stand and hold her, so I layed down in the tub with her on my chest and let the water run over both of us.  It brought me back to the morning when I was pregnant with her.  I remember one day specifically, laying down in the shower (because I was too nauseous to stand) and letting the water run over my swollen belly and just talking to Kinley, telling her to stay put and that I needed her to be alive.  Begging God to let me parent her here on earth, begging for her life.  What an absolutely picture of God’s faithfulness that about a year later,  I was holding that baby girl as she gently smiled at me and met my eyes. And can I just tell you guys something?  This was just a glimpse into how much God loves me… just a tiny glimpse.

So, today, though I have lots more to catch up on, I want to leave you with that small glimpse into my life and my Savior.  What a faithful God!

Kinley Pearl Woodward

I thought it was about time that I share Miss Kinley's birth story.  It was surreal, to say the least! WARNING:  The is LONG, but I didn't want to forget ANYTHING!

Kinley Pearl Woodward

May 2, 2013 @ 12:23am

7.0lbs and 19in

At my previous appointments that week, I was already measuring 4cm and having some regular contractions (so we were pretty sure I wasn't going to make it to May 18!).  We were, however, confident that God would keep His promise to us to redeem the month of May!  And boy, did He!! :) Dr. Sellers told me to not wait to go to the hospital when my contractions started picking up.  With trying for a VBAC, he wanted me to be at the hospital as soon as possible.

So around 9:00am or so on May 1st, I woke up feeling super nauseous... and then I realized I was contracting quite a bit.  I timed them out for a little over an hour and they were every 2-4 minutes.  I texted the best nurse in the world to let her know.  She talked to Dr. Sellers, who told me to go in.  I told her that I wasn't super sure it was time because I was so nauseous that the contractions were hard to time out.  She said they would check me out, but that she thought I would be having a baby.  So I called Damon (he picked up after the 10th phone call...seriously... how do you not answer the phone when your 9 month pregnant wife is calling?!) and started to get my stuff ready.  I called my mom and sis to come and take care of Collins.  Damon was asking me how I felt... and I just said that I had so many emotions.  He asked me if I was excited and I said "yes", but the truth is, I was experiencing fear, nervousness, excitement, happiness, weariness... all at the same time, that I wasn't really showing any emotions.  I mean, the last time I delievered a baby at the hospital, was the hardest thing I have ever done, it was when I said hello and goodbye to my son, Grayson.  It was hard to think about delivering another baby.

We got to the hospital about 12:30 or so.  However, by the time we got there, my contractions literally stopped.  I texted my nurse (from the hospital parking garage) and told her and just said that I didn't want to go in if they were just going to send me home!  She talked with Dr. Sellers and he said that he still wanted me to go in... so in I went.

 They got me back to the triage area (not my favorite place to be- that's where I learned the news about Grayson last time) and got me on monitors.  Like I already knew, they confirmed that my contractions had stopped... I was having maybe one every 15 minutes!  Ugh.  So frustrating.  The nurse came in and said that Dr. Sellers would probably send me home, but that she was waiting to hear back from him.  He called and told me that he wanted me to take a walk to see if we could get contractions going again.  However, right as I was about to do that, my blood sugar dropped WAY low... like 37 (for no known reason- I was just sitting there!).  Definitely not doing any exercise at that #!  By the time we got it back up, the clinic had closed and Dr. Sellers was headed over.  He came into the triage area and began to tell me that he didn't want to send me home.  He said that he didn't like that my blood sugar dropped like that for no reason (and it had been doing that for weeks).  That is a sign of my placenta failing (a symptom for diabetics).  On top of that, at my last high risk ultrasound, Kinley looked great, but she had stopped growing at the same rate.  In 3 weeks time, she had only gained 4ounces (when she should have been gaining the most weight).  She went from being in the 80th percentile to the 50th.  He said there was more risk in letting me go home and waiting than there was in kick starting my contractions and letting me have a baby.  So he said that he was going to start me on pitocin.  (I let him go home for dinner before they started all of this because once he started it, he wanted to stay with me the whole time- and because I was trying for a VBAC, he was required to stay there they whole time.  So pitocin was started at about 7:30 and they broke my water at 8:00pm.  We were told to expect an early morning baby, much like Collins (at about 5:30am).  We talked about the epidural and I decided that I would get one because of the increased risk of needing a c-section.  I didn't want to have to worry about what would happen if I didn't have it and ended up needing a c-section.  I was going to wait, but I feel, much like Collins, that God whispered in my ear to go ahead and get one... even though I wasn't feeling ANY pain yet.  This was at about 8:15pm.  Well, it turns out to be a good thing I got it when I did because the next time they checked me, at about 9:45, I was fully dilated!!!  When the first nurse checked me, she didn't even tell me.  She made the other nurse tell me because she couldn't believe that I was fully dilated in about 2 hours!!  Kinley, however, still hadn't dropped so they sat me up to get her to drop as much as possible so I didn't have to push her all that way!

We were on track for having a May 1st baby, which surprised all of us!  Dr. Sellers came in and I began pushing. I pushed for a little over two hours (putting us past midnight).  All of the sudden, Kinley's heart rate plummeted.  I saw the fear flash in Dr. Sellers eyes.  He looked at me and said "we're done... I am going to get this baby out".  I have to admit that I was a little disappointed... I definitely cried, but more than anything, I just wanted to hear my baby cry.  (Again, a great thing I already had the epidural because they had to deliver her so quickly that had I not had it, I would have been knocked out.)  And literally, within about 15 minutes, at 12:23am on May 2, 2013 (we think... there has been a little confusion on what time she was actually born, but will find out from the doc officially), Kinley Pearl Woodward was born, weighing 7lbs even and 19inches long.  Hearing her cry, I LOST it.  I mean tears from the last year of my life and walls I had built up of protection, came crashing down.  I haven't cried that hard in months.  It was the sweetest cry and sound of hope and joy I had ever heard.

To say that Kinley's birth was healing, is an understatement.  I don't think I realized how many walls I still had up.  I was still harboring so much anger... anger that I thought I had moved past, but hadn't fully.  And holding my sweet girl... Jesus knew just what I needed and it was hope in the form of a little girl named Kinley.  My heart is bursting. I feel more alive than I have in MONTHS and my heart healed a whole bunch.  Man, it sure made me miss my sweet boy, but I do know that he was watching from heaven and so excited to present his little sister to us.  I know he was proud.

Thank you.  Thank you for the prayers over the last year.  Thank you for praying for Kinley and thank you for praying for my heart.  Kinley, your mommy and daddy love you dearly.  You will never know the hope that you have given us.  Thank you, Grayson for watching from above and keeping watch over your little sister.  You are missed and you are loved.  And my sweet Collins, the best big sister to two little siblings, thank you for the constant joy you bring.  You are the light of our lives!  And thank you most of all to my Savior, who breathed life back into my soul. 

Dear Grayson

I know, it's been awhile.  Lots to write about, but tonight, I just needed to write to my son.

My dear sweet Grayson-

As I have prepared for your little sister, Kinley, to arrive,   I want you to know that I think of you constantly.  I am preparing another room for another little girl, when I thought the next room I would be preparing would be yours.  I had your bedding picked out and everything- little skyscrapers that reminded me of where your daddy and I met, in New York City.  I dreamed of putting your name on the wall.  I never dreamed that so quickly, that name would be replaced with the initials of another sweet girl’s.  Little did I know, that God was preparing the perfect room for you, with Him.  While I am excited and over-joyed that God choose me to be a mommy again, and to a precious sweet girl, I find myself missing you terribly. I feel her move and dream of the times when I felt you doing sommersaults- even though I never even knew you this long.  I so wish that you were here to watch out for your sisters.  Instead, I trust that you are watching out for them from up above.  I know you are going to be the best big brother from up there.

Did you know that your little sister is due just the week before your first birthday and glory day?  When we asked God to redeem May and the sadness we had about the month and having to let you go, we never dreamed that redemption would look like this.  We never thought that we would be blessed with another baby so quickly.  Somehow, I have a feeling you put in a good word for us!  J  And we couldn’t be more excited.  I do know that week is going to be terribly emotional.  I hope you know that in being so happy and excited about your little sister, we will still be missing you with every breath of our beings.  She does not replace you sweet boy.  She just adds to your legacy here.  I can’t wait to one day tell her about you!

Life keeps going down here, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you.  I see your little lovies, Manny the monkey, and I want to hear you rattle them.  Your big sister inherited one (we thought you would like that), but every time we here it rattle, we are reminded of you.  Collins knows all about you.  And even asks about you from time-to-time.  She points to our tattoos often and asks “Is that Grayson”?  And sometimes, I think you show up here because she will point to random little boy things we have and say “That’s Grayson’s.”  And it would have been and should have been.  Just know that your big sister misses you too.

It’s late and I need to get to sleep and rest my swollen feet, but I just had to write you and tell you “hi” and that I was thinking about you.  You are and will forever be my special boy.  You are not forgotten.  You have a very special place in our family.  I hope you know that and feel that, even in heaven.  Give Jesus a high five from us and tell Him that we are sure trying to do a good job of sharing His love through your story.   I hope we are making you both proud.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Mommy

Room Updates and Breakthrough

Life has been pretty busy around here!  I have had some more energy so I have been trying to get things done around the house that I KNOW need to be completed before I am too big to finish the projects!!

Project 1-  The downstairs kids/game-room.  Anyone who has been to our house knows how badly I have wanted to finish this room since we moved into this house 3.5 years ago!  I just knew that I didn't want to settle... so when I had a little extra income come in from a huge project, I told Damon I knew right what it was going to... a new couch!  That with a little help from Christmas $, I was able to complete the room!! Woohoo!!  We went from this:

 

To This! :)

And the Kids Corner... separated by the couch so they have their own little spot! :) PERFECT!!

I am SOOO happy with the end results!  Colorful, fun and totally what I had envisioned... even if my hubby questioned it EVERY step of the way!!! :)

Next Up... Collins' Big Girl Room... And then Kinley's nursery... Woah... Stresses me out!!  We only have about 3 more months to go!  Crazy!!

And speaking of pregnancy, I am feeling great these days!  HUGE, but great!! :)  They say you gain faster with each one.. and seeing as I was just pregnant with Grayson, my body never got back to "normal" so I am definitely bigger this go around, but I am not complaining.  Big baby, but healthy baby!! Kinley is currently measuring over a week ahead of schedule, which I am totally ok with!! :)  She is perfect though! And active, just like her big sister was!  I'm telling you, I just know Grayson had my laid back personality and both my girls are going to be crazy hooligans like their daddy!

Emotionally, I had a MAJOR breakthrough.  The circumstances of how this occurred was not good and definitely not a proud moment, but I really feel like God used it as a "red-flag" moment that I wasn't truly trusting Him with EVERYTHING.  I spent a good several hours crying it all out.  I had to realize that I still miss my baby boy and will every day for the rest of my life here on earth, but that doesn't mean that I can't ever be really happy again.  I think at times I felt like if I was too happy, I was forgetting about the sorrow I felt, which meant that I was forgetting Grayson.  I am slowly realizing that God never told me to forget, just to find joy in all circumstances.  Easier to say than do.  I am in the process of slowly, but surely, enjoying each and every moment.  I can't even tell you how refreshed I feel.  I am finally enjoying being pregnant again... and every minute isn't a reminder of what I lost.  I am finding so much joy in my almost 2 year old, who brings more laughter than I ever thought possible.  She seems to just know when mommy needs some loving.  The other day, when I told her I loved her, she responded by saying "Lub you more mommy".  Bestill my heart.  And she is a daily reminder that we will not forget little brother.  She constantly points out things, whether it be his lovey (Manny, the monkey) or mommy's tattoo of Grayson's little feet and says "Grayson, Grayson" and smiles big.  What a blessing that even though she doesn't really know what has happened, she knows she has a little brother!  What sweet sweet moments for this mama's heart.  Storing up these moments and treasuring each of them in the time I have left with just one sweet baby girl at this house.

Keep the prayers coming.  God is healing my heart.  I know it will never fully heal this side of heaven, but I do know this... I know that my God is in the business of renewing hearts and revealing Himself.  I know He cares deeply about me, about Damon, and about all 3 of my kiddos.  And in that, I can stand secure!

20 Weeks, 5 Days

Yesterday marked 20 weeks, 5 days.  20 weeks and 5 day of carrying Kinley.  20 weeks and 5 days was all I got to spend with my Grayson.  20 weeks and 5 days is just far too short of a time.  I mean, the chances of something happening to Kinley on the exact same day as Grayson is slim to none, but I was still glad to get that day over and done with.

I kept thinking about if I had known that that would be the last day I would carry Grayson, would I have done anything differently... what would be going through my head?  I quickly realized that I would do everything I did.  I was just living life, but I was still innocent in a lot of ways.  Innocent to the things that "can" happen.  I knew what could happen, but no girl really thinks that they could happen to her.  In a lot of ways, I find myself so jealous of girls who still have this innocence.  Jealous of girls who complain when they feel rotten because of pregnancy.  You see, I can't complain about feeling rotten because feeling rotten is the best feeling in the world after you have lost a baby... because it means you are still pregnant!  Only girls who have been through something like this can say that so definitely.  If you still have this innocence, CHERISH it!! It is a gift from the Lord!!

Today, I am thanking God that we have made it to 20 weeks and 6 days.  For me, I can breathe a little sigh of relief... I had two doctors appointments on Tuesday and got good reports from both.  My cervix hasn't shown any changes, which is huge!  I asked Dr. Sellers if he felt like we would have already seen changes if something were going to happen and he said "yes", so that made me feel much more at peace.  He said from here on, we should be able to have pretty normal appointments.  I know there are still no guarantees though.  So, I still have some fear, fear that I continue to turn over to Jesus each and every morning.  In the same breath, I also have hope.  Hope that I have a God who sees me and will see this pregnancy through to 40 weeks!

Please continue to pray for me, for my health, for Kinley and her health, for Damon (poor guy is dealing with my ever-changing emotions... ) and just for our family as we anticipate and prepare for Kinley's arrival.  I have found that I have had a hard time even doing this stuff... I had bought Grayson's bedding, several pieces of clothing, his "lovies"... all things that are now stored away because we never got to use them.  It is hard to now be buying things for Kinley and trusting that these too won't get stored away.  In faith, I have started this process, but it is weird how even these things create a little fear in me!  I never would have thought that buying crib bedding would invoke some fear.  it is pretty crazy... and I definitely feel crazy at times.  It is so hard to know what is "normal" in all of this!  Thankful for friends who are walking each step of this with me and don't hesitate to tell me when I am not being "normal"- whatever that is!!

Thanks so much for your continued prayers over me and our family.  They keep us going.  Thanks for being excited about Kinley arriving, even when I haven't been there all the time.  Thanks for loving us. We seriously could not do this without you all.  And thank you to Jesus, who has blessed us with an amazing baby girl.  Kinley Pearl,  I cannot wait to see your sweet face and hold your sweet hands in May.  My heart longs for that day.  Until then, I will cherish every moment of you growing inside me... feeling you move and kick, knowing that you can hear me.  Know you are loved beyond words.  You represent a hope that is far beyond what you could have ever imagined.  We love you!!

And last, but not least, I will leave you with our Christmas card.  This pretty much sums up our year! :)  (You can click on the images to view closer up!)

7 Months, 19 Weeks, and Freedom

I thought I would go ahead and post now as I know I won't have time to post with Christmas festivities starting tomorrow!  We are currently in snowy, Coeur d'Alene, Idaho... Winter Weather advisory for tonight, which definitely means more soft, fluffy snow in the morning.  Definitely my idea of Christmas morning.  Don't get me wrong, the rest of the year, I am ok without snow, but there is just something about having Christmas morning white, that makes the holiday seem so much more... right!!

December 25th marks 7 months since we lost Grayson.  Unbelievable... I still can't believe that our little boy isn't here to experience Christmas with us.  How I was looking forward to having a little boy to buy trains and cars for!  However, I do know that he is going to experience the BEST Christmas ever!!  I mean, the King we are celebrating down here, is the King he is running around with up there!! What an amazing and beautiful picture!!  I know that my Jesus is holding him oh so close.  This picture definitely makes it easier, but it still hurts so deep.

My pregnancy is going great, so far.  My last two appointments have gone as expected and I am not showing any signs of an early delivery.  My cervix has stayed the exact same length, so far.  Our next appt is on Jan 31st.  This will be the last one to check my cervical length and then, the hope is, that all appointments after that would be "normal", which is still much more than "normal"!  Every 4 weeks to the high risk and every 4 weeks to my regular ob and every 4 weeks to my endocrinologist... Which averages about 1 appt every week and a half! Whew... exhausting just thinking about all of it, but it is certainly worth it!!  So physically, everything is going great.

Emotionally... still a roller coaster.  I am 19 weeks and 1 day.  We lost Grayson at 20 weeks and 5 days... So that is right around the corner.  And that leaves my heart feeling so anxious, especially while I am not at home.  In some ways, this part of the waiting feels like I am counting down the days until I have to say "good-bye" to Kinley instead of counting down the days that I will say "hello" to her in person.  And this leaves me feeling pretty heavy.  I am praying against all of these feelings.  Part of this time has been so good because I am cherishing the time I have with her... no matter how long that may be.  It causes me to stop and really enjoy the kicks of my sweet baby girl.  It causes me to really take time for her, praying for her and anticipating God's plan for her life.  However, I have to daily choose to turn her over to Jesus and trust Him because, right now, this is NOT coming naturally.

During this season, I want to experience true joy.  My whole family is ready to see me experience true joy again.  My mom told me that my whole family wants to see that... and until they do, it stops them from experiencing it fully.  I don't want that.  I don't want to be the thing that holds my family back from experience the true joy that Christ offers us.  Hoping that it will come with time and with God's grace.  As I have said, I know that this joy only comes from Christ, so I choose to place my whole heart in His hands, in hopes that He will answer this prayer!  Please pray with us!  I want to experience this joy during this hopeful Christmas season.  I want to experience the freedom from these feelings that Christ offers.  I don't have to be bound to this...  As the song says:

My Chains are gone,  I've been set free
My God, My Savior has ransomed me
And life a flood, His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing Grace

He has already released my chains.  He has already set me free.  He has ransomed me.  And it all started this season over 2000 years ago.  Lord, let us experience joy, rest, and hope in You this season!

Kinley Pearl

Recently, I was talking to a friend about our daughter's name, Kinley Pearl and where we got it from.  

As I shared in the last post, we loved the name Kinley and had it picked out awhile ago (it was our girl choice before we knew Grayson was a boy).  Kinley means "fair warrior".  A warrior is someone who is trained in combat or warfare.  I love this in light of all we have been through.  I feel like she is being my warrior.  She is fighting for me... fighting for my hope.  She is a constant reminder to me of the battles we face every day in trusting Christ.  Bottom line, we believe in an invisible God.  And that never becomes more apparent than when you have been through tragedy.  You are having to trust in someone you cannot see... and that, in and of itself is a major battle.  Fortunately, God is gracious enough to allow people to show His love and grace in tangible ways.  The rest of these 5 months are going to be a battle, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  In a lot of ways, I feel like I am fighting everyday.  Fighting fear of losing and burying another baby.  Fighting sadness.  Fighting the sin in my heart that causes me to not fully trust Christ with this little life.  Fighting my brain as I have started feeling her kick and then don't feel her for awhile... and fighting the worry that comes with it.  Fight, fight, fight.  I am exhausted, but Kinley is a warrior.  And the only person she is able to learn this from is Jesus... who is teaching her exactly how to fight... and it is unadulterated and perfect.  She is helping me fight every day.

And Pearl is after my sweet grandma.  I'll have you know that when I called and told my grandma we were naming our little girl after her, her immediate response was, (in her Minnesotan accent) "Oh, honey, are you sure you want to do that?".  I immediately responded with a "yes", but her response just made me giggle.  She really can't believe that anyone would want to name their kids after her... such grace and humility.  We could ALL learn from her!  

A couple days after I shared this information with my friend, she sent me text asking me if I remembered what we learned in school about where a pearl comes from... and went on to explain.  Now, this came back to me as she was telling me, but I hadn't thought about it AT ALL with picking out the name.  So a pearl is created because of an injury.  It is created when a foreign object like dirt gets into the shell of an oyster by mistake.  This causes the oyster to be irritated.  In order to protect itself, it covers the intruding object with a mineral known as nacre.  It continues to do this for several layers over several months and years, eventually forming a pearl.  So you see, a pearl is something beautiful that is created from an injury.  But it takes time for this healing to take place and for beauty to be the result.  Jesus is the nacre... and He continues to cover this injury and hurt over and over again.  I think it is pretty cool that God gave us this name (a couple years ago) and reserved it specifically for this little girl.  And He gave us this name without us even thinking about the physical process it takes for a pearl to be created.  Because Kinley will be just that... our pearl.  Our something beautiful that has come out of an injury and something that hurts so much.

Her name gives me hope, gives me joy and gives me peace.  All because of the meanings associated with her name... meanings I never even considered when we picked her name.  I mean, really, how cool is our God?  That He allowed this name to be for this child?  Only Him.

Pink or Blue?!

Life around the Woodward house has been busy, to say the least.  I have been really overwhelmed with this pregnancy.  I think that I just have so many emotions surrounding it that I tend to just shut off all emotion... and then I am pretty numb to it all.  And then, it comes out as frustration at times.  And then I just cry because I don't feel like myself.  I have really struggled with being super excited about it all.  Don't get me wrong, we are definitely excited about having a baby, but I am still grieving a lot.  We just passed the 6 month mark of having Grayson and giving him to Jesus and that is NOT that long!!  On top of that, (and this may be TMI for some of you) but since last December, I have only had 1 period!! And that my friends is A LOT of hormones!!!  So if you see me, and I just randomly lose it, please remember that!!  Please just remember to keep me specifically and my heart in your prayers.  I am in a place of feeling like if I am too happy, I am not remembering Grayson and if I am too sad, then I am not being happy about this baby... and neither one of those is true.  My prayer is just that Christ fills my heart with joy again.... TRUE joy!  Within the context of true joy, I can be happy or sad because joy comes from the heart and isn't a wavering feeling!  And true joy only comes from Jesus and trusting in His plan for me!  So, please join me in praying for joy, amongst the continued health of me and this baby!!

Ok...Moving on!  I don't know why, but I was nervous about this appointment.  I think I was afraid that they would find something wrong that they had missed before... And we had to wait for a good hour and a half before going back to see the doc.  Once back there though, God immediately relieved this fear as the doctor did the ultrasound, measuring head circumference, skin thickness, length of bones in arms and legs, length of feet, etc.  Everything was PERFECT!  The baby is right on track.  He showed us the little face.  What a sweet little face!! And what an active little thing!! The baby was moving non-stop, just like Collins was at EVERY appointment!!  I just smiled contently watching the screen as I saw this little life moving away inside me.  What a surreal moment.  It is every time, but this time, even more so given the circumstances.  He then moved on to tell us whether Collins and Grayson were going to have a little sister or brother.  I had my suspicions, but I had pretty much kept those to myself!! :)  At first, the umbilical cord was in the way, so he went to looking at the other things and came back.  Then he came back to look again, and the cord was still in the way.  I said "come on Jesus, please let us see!"  And the next time he went to look... We got a really good look!!  And we found out!!!  Watch the video below as we announced to my family the news!

DON'T CHEAT... WATCH THE VIDEO!!!






















So, the candy that fell was all different colors, but the suckers were all one color!! :)

PINK!  It's another sweet baby girl!!

Now, let me just share with you, we felt that no matter what we heard, it was a little bittersweet.  We really wanted a boy because that is what we lost, but we really wanted a girl because we didn't want to feel like he would "replace" Grayson.  But we have trusted that God knows our hearts and our emotions and would give us EXACTLY what we needed, so we couldn't be more excited that He choose to bless us with a beautiful baby girl! And last, but not least, her name.

Kinley Pearl Woodward

Her middle name is after my grandma, one of the sweetest ladies you will ever meet and someone who has demonstrated Christ to me and our family for many, many years!!  We pray that she grows up to be much like my grandma!

Well, that's it for tonight!  Sorry to keep you waiting!! :)  Again, we covet your prayers for my joy, our hearts and the continued process of healing and for the on-going health of me and sweet Kinley!

Expecting Blessings

In one of my previous posts, I wrote about expecting suffering (click here to read about it).  As I said in that post, we, as believers, should not be surprised by suffering.  In fact, we should expect it.  Christ Jesus suffered much in this world.  In contrast, we should also expect God's greatest blessings.  And that is just what the Bible tells us to do.  Hebrews 11:6 says "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him."  So you see, as we earnestly seek Him, He rewards us. And James 1:17 says "Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." I love that verse.  Everything good that we experience in life comes from a good God who DOES NOT CHANGE.  Doesn't that bring such comfort?!  While most people we know change day in and day out, we have a God who is consistent and doesn't waiver in turning our hearts towards Him.

Damon and I have been in a time of suffering.  And it has been the hardest place we have ever been in.  We have had to continually turn towards Christ and look to His face to find peace and comfort.  While walking through this time, we have also been expectantly waiting a time of blessing.  But as Hebrews says, blessings only come as we earnestly seek Him.  So that is exactly what Damon and I have been doing.  There are several things that we have been praying specifically for:

• That we honor Christ with Grayson's life
• That each of you learn more about who our God is by hearing this story that God is writing for the Woodward family.
• That God would redeem the month of May for us.
• That we would TRUST Christ with His plans- no matter what that looked like.
• That we would remember that our God is sovereign.
• The God would bless us with more babies... and quickly.
• That we would not be fearful.
• We would continue to be parents to Collins who let her see who Jesus is.

We know that Christ was capable of all these things, so we entered a time of expecting blessings... and waiting.  And on September 4, we got an answer!  This is the card that I gave Damon that day.

We found out we are expecting Baby Woodward #3!  We knew we wanted it to happen quickly, but we had NO idea that God would bless us that quickly.  Our first appointment was September 25... 4 months to the day of losing Grayson.  As you can imagine, we were pretty nervous for this appointment.  We earnestly prayed that we would hear a heartbeat and I even made them assume my due date was a week later so that we would be safe.  We went in and heard the best little heartbeat! :)  Much to my surprise, I was just 6 weeks along (I thought I was more like 9).  And they gave us a due date of May 18, 2013.... Just one week before Grayson's glory day!  Our prayers had been answered... We asked God to redeem May for us and in our minds, this was redemption at it's finest!

So as of Saturday, we are 12 weeks pregnant.  How am I feeling?  Nauseous most days... which I am thankful for!  I didn't feel sick with Grayson at all so I think God knew that I needed to feel a little sick to have some peace.  And EXHAUSTED!  Hopefully, now that I have finished the first trimester, I will start to feel some relief!  Emotionally, I am nervous.  I am overwhelmed.  I am scared.  I really haven't gotten too excited... I know that sounds crazy, but I think that I am just protecting my heart.  In love.  I am already so in love with this baby.  This baby does not in ANY WAY replace Grayson and what we lost, but this baby is a blessing and we are so thankful for this life.  As we go through the next 6 months, here is what we are specifically asking for prayer for:

1. That God would allow us to bring this baby home in May.
2. Health- My health and the baby's health.
3. Our hearts.  That God would calm our fears each day- especially as we approach week 20.
4. Trust- that we would trust God with this baby's life, just like we have with both Collins and Grayson.
5. Joy- that we would really be able to let go of the fears and experience pure joy!

Here is a picture from when we went and shared the news with our little boy.  We know that he will be the best big brother to this new baby... I mean, he is an angel watching over each of us and what more could you ask for in a big brother?! Or in Collins' case, a little brother! :)

I can't end this post without saying thank you to all of you.  I know that so many of you have been praying for us each and every day as we have walked this path.  And those prayers mean the world to us... And we have felt them.  We see the face of Christ as we see how you all, our Christian family, have rallied around us.  We wouldn't be here without you.  So, thank you, thank you, thank you.  You will never know the love we have felt as you guys have grieved with us and now rejoice with us.  We love you all!

"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need you will abound in every good work."

2 Corinthians 9:8

Pretending

Some days I definitely feel like I am pretending.  People ask me how I am doing and my response is that I am doing well.  But honestly, I am pretending.  I am so overwhelmed.  I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I am overwhelmed with how to live my daily life and still remember Grayson.  I was talking to my mom a couple days ago and somehow it came up that I was really sad that Collins will never know her little brother and that our future babies will never know their big brother.  And then we started talking about his birthday... and she said, "as the years go on, the date will always be special, but you won't celebrate it them same way".  And I just started bawling.  I don't know why, but the thought of not celebrating my son's birthday each and every year breaks my heart.  It makes me feel like I would be forgetting him... and I don't ever want to!  I KNOW that I won't... but, she was right.  We will move on.  And as the months and years pass, it will become easier.  I know that Grayson won't ever have his feelings hurt that we don't celebrate him with a big party, but I do.  It hurts my feelings... it hurts my heart.  But reality... he isn't here.  He isn't here and isn't going to be here.  Most people will never know him.  I am only 27 years old and the people I meet over the next 50+ years won't get to know about this little boy who forever changed my life.  Sure, they will know about him if I tell them, but, that's it.  Just word of mouth.  How can a life so short change my life so much?  I mean,  I guess that is true of all of us at some point.  We all die and then the people after us don't know us, but why is that so much harder with a baby?  Because they never really got to live life... And I talked about this before, but I grieve the dreams I had of having a little boy.  I had images of him playing baseball with his daddy.  I had images of taking two kiddos to Minnesota over Thanksgiving and introducing Grayson to the family for the first time.  I had a visions of two little kiddos at Christmas this year.  And all of those dreams died along with Grayson.  And each day, I have to work through something different.  Now, I know this is a season.  I know that it will get easier as it goes, but right now... today... it just sucks.  Totally and utterly sucks.

But can I just reiterate this truth, that I am reminded of daily as I grieve Grayson?  God has my back. :)  He knows exactly how I am feeling today.  He knows each and every day and what I need to get through the day.  He feels my pain as closely as anyone can.  He too lost a Son... and had to witness not just His son dying too early, but the most horrific death on a cross.  It wasn't fair for God either.  BUT He choose to do that for me because He loves me just that much.  Yes, THAT MUCH!  Incredible...

So as a reminder (as much to me as anyone else), there is nothing that you are going through that God doesn't see.  My God loves me.  And He loves you... More than we could EVER imagine!!!!

10,000 Reasons

It has been almost a month since I have let you into my world... Not intentionally.  I honestly haven't had time to sit down and just write out my thoughts... which, honestly, have been pretty convoluted these days.

As the days go on after losing Grayson, I am starting to realize how different my life is looking.  He was due on October 7th.  Appropriate in so many ways because we have a lot of 7's in our family.  My birthday is December 7, our anniversary is January 7, Collins original due date was February 7 (it was moved back) and Damon proposed to me on May 7. On that day, we went out to see him for the first time.  We went out and sat by his little grave site and just smiled talking about the memories we have of him.  I didn't cry.  I cried earlier that day, but I was at peace when we went to visit him.  We brought him some beautiful blue hydrangeas.  Don't ask me why, but for some reason, I was very insistent that we had blue hydrangeas at his memorial service.  There has never been anything significant about those flowers to me, but I wanted them and wouldn't settle for anything else.  So now, they have a VERY special meaning. And I love that they grow in people's yards and I get glimpses of my little boy everywhere!

After visiting him, we dreamed about future babies and our life.  In no way will Grayson ever be replaced, but we so want to have more little babies.  You should see the joy that spreads across Damon's face when we talk about more babies.  He seriously is the best daddy!  We also decided that we wanted to celebrate the little life and joy we have in Collins.  So we decided to celebrate!  We went to the Pumpkin Patch!  She loved it last year and she loved it even more this year.  It was a sweet time with my family... just remembering Grayson and celebrating his life, Collins' life and more lives to come.  Our God is really soo good to us.

As I was reflecting on all of these thoughts this morning, I started to cry.  Both tears of joy and tears of sadness.  There is a huge part of me that just doesn't think this is fair. I should have a two week old demanding my attention right now.  How I long to hear those little cries.  And the tears of joy come from knowing exactly what Christ did for me.  Because of that, I don't have to hide my tears of sadness and frustration.  He has already counted all of them.

Music has played a huge role in my life lately.  Play the song 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman and I will cry EVERY time.  This is the song that was playing the Sunday morning at church after losing Grayson and I sang it with all my heart.

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord O my soul,

O my soul.

Worship His holy name.

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name.

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord O my soul,

O my soul.

Worship His holy name.

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name.

This is my prayer as we continue to move forward with our lives "Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes... For all His goodness, I will keep on singing, TEN THOUSAND reasons for my heart to find!".

Good.

My whole life, I have thought I was a pretty good person.  I have lived a pretty good life and lived by the "laws" that I felt like God had given us.  I didn't drink before I was legal.  I have only kissed one man, my husband.  I was a virgin when I got married.  I didn't do drugs, I didn't smoke.  I went to church every week.  I led Bible studies and small groups.  By mine and everyone else's account, I had it together.  And I was living a good life.  I thought that other people saw Christ in me because of these "good" decisions that I had been making.

When we lost Grayson, I was caught off guard.  I honestly, at points, thought "Lord, I lived a good life and made good decisions and my life looked different from those around me and I thought I was pointing others to you.  So why did you take my son to point others to you through me?  Was that really necessary?"

So as I have processed Grayson's death, I have felt God tugging on my heart.  I have felt Him saying to me "This wasn't for everyone else.... This was for you."  And not in a mean, malicious way.  A loving, compassionate, "I did this for you, Lindsey because I love you."  And at the beginning, I had times where I wanted to yell back "This isn't love!  This isn't nice!  You took my son away from me!  And I didn't deserve this... I was following your laws!"

And over the last couple months I have realized just that.  God didn't allow Grayson to go to heaven because He wanted to use me to point others towards Him (what an arrogant thought).  Now, if He chooses to use Grayson and me that way, I will be eternally grateful.  But more than that, He has used it to mold and shape me to be more like Him.  I have realized that much of my life, I was upholding "laws", but God wasn't my primary reason for doing that.  It was for my reputation.  It made me feel like I had it all together.  This has lead to me questioning every part of every decision I have ever made... And asking the question "Where was God really in that?" and "Was I really doing what God called me to or was I just following MY rules?"  In one day, I feel like my whole life completely changed.  I am a completely different person.  In fact, there are some days when I just feel plain lost.  You can ask those who know me best.  My whole person has changed.  Maybe not in what I do every day.  Maybe not in super noticeable way, but my demeanor, my thought process, my level of grace.  THIS is what God has been doing.

God used Grayson to mold me to be even more like Him and to show me just how real He really is.  Until this point, I believed in Christ, I was a Christian and desired to serve Him, but it all felt "out there".  I had never felt that I really "needed" God until losing Grayson.  I "knew" in my head that I did, but at times, I felt like I was doing just fine on my own.  I felt like it was my job to be "good" so everyone could see Him.  I felt the need to be perfect.  I have since realized that God never required that of me.  He wants us to reveal our imperfections so that He can shine brightly through them.  Grayson and his life have revealed some major imperfections in me and my faith.  And my hope and prayer is that God has shown brightly in those crevices.  If that doesn't happen, then this whole life is all for naught.  And I refuse to let my son's life go to waste because I am too scared to let others see my imperfections... especially when I have a God who is ready to come through for me anytime, anywhere.

Change

Change... It is a word that most people find pretty scary.  Usually when you go through a change, it means you are rather uncomfortable for a period of time.  The dictionary describes it as this:

"to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something)  

different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone"

This week, in Bloom (my moms of kids Bible study), we were talking about marriage.  We were asked to look at however many years we had been married (for us, we are approaching 7 years...unbelievable!) and then graph out each year in a line with how satisfied we were with our marriage over those years.  Mine, much like everyone else, had it's ups and downs.  Looking down at the graph I had sketched out, I started to think about why I was so satisfied with marriage some years and so not satisfied others... And it occurred to me that the years that I was MOST satisfied were the years that we, as a couple, went through the biggest changes.... whether those changes were good or bad!

• Year 1:  Got married. I had never lived with another man before.  And then 3 weeks after that, I got really sick and was in ICU.  There was definitely change that year.  We were forced to rely on God in, not only the transition of being married, but having someone else primarily caring for me when I was sick.
• Year 3:  We bought a house and moved everything we owned.
• Year 5:  We had our first daughter, Collins.
• Year 6:  We had our second child, first son, Grayson and buried him in the same week.

Some of these changes, were (in our eyes) good things.  We choose them.  We wanted that change.  In year 3, we wanted to buy a house and we welcomed that change into our lives with our whole hearts!  Year 5, we had Collins.  This, too, was an exciting change and one that we were prepared for!

However, year 1, and year 6 were, again in our eyes, not good changes.  It was not ideal to be in ICU 3 weeks after being married... and watching Damon question how to best take care of me.  And year 6, we had unexpected change with losing our first son, Grayson.

But what I want you to see is that, whether the changes were expected and exciting or unexpected and hard, I was MOST satisfied with my marriage then.  Why?  Because, it is during the times of change, times of being uncomfortable that we really allow God to work.  I was reading an article the other day by Nancy Ortberg, and she said "the difficult parts of change are most often where God lives".  When we go through hard changes, we realize that He is all we have and all we are ever guaranteed in this life.  In years 1 and 6 of our marriage, God showed up BIG!  We were forced to not only rely on Him, but determine, yet again what we really believed about Him.  And THIS will satisfy the soul.  And when then soul is satisfied, your life feels full.

She also said, "Change includes loss. And any loss that we experience moves our hearts closer to surrender."  Can I just tell you that my heart has never been so surrendered to my God than it has in the last 4 months.  I have always loved Jesus and wanted to follow His plan for my life, but there is a part of me that was still holding on... There was a part of me that couldn't let go of everything.  And after losing Grayson, my heart fell at the feet of Jesus... every stinking piece of it.  It is a BIG change.  And that change is scary and a bit uncomfortable at times, but why would I want to be "what it would be" if left alone?!  Without change, we become stagnant.  And that, my friends, is what I call a boring and unfulfilled, unsatisfied life... And I am NOT willing to settle for that!

Expecting Suffering

Do you expect suffering?  Or are you surprised by it?  I  know that often times, I find myself surprised by it... and why?  Jesus clearly lays out, on multiple occasions that, if I truly love Him and strive to serve Him, there will be suffering.  1 Peter 4:19 says "So then let those who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful Creator as they do good.".  John 16:33 "In this world, you will have trouble."  Jesus clearly explains this us.  So why are we so surprised by it?

Paul is a great example of someone who not only expected suffering, but rejoiced in it.  He was imprisoned.  He was beaten.  But, he got it.  He understood that his life was miniscule when compared to the plan that God had.  And because he got it, God used him in a mighty mighty way.  Mary got it.  She understood that losing the respect of the men and women around her was nothing compared to the joy that she would experience being the mother of Jesus.  And she referred to herself as a servant.  She got it.  And God used her in a mighty way!

I hope I get it.  I hope that I daily realize how small my life is.  May I daily submit myself as a servant to God.  I want God to use me in a mighty mighty way.  And the only way He can do that is by me expecting suffering. And then rejoice through it, knowing that God is going to do something big and mighty, something that only He can.

I am so glad that those verses don't just end in suffering.  Jesus continues on by telling us to "entrust our souls to a faithful Creator" and to "take heart because He has overcome the world".  Praise Jesus that He takes on my suffering and that He knows every tear that has fallen from these eyes.  And that one day, there will be no more.  You see, we are not supposed to be surprised by suffering.  When sin entered the world, so did suffering.  It wasn't God's initial design, but because of sin, evil does exist and therefore suffering exists.  I can not fathom what it will be like in heaven when there will be NO MORE sadness... NONE!  I will not have to cry another tear over hurtful words, friends moving away, or losing my son.  We will be in FOREVER happiness!!!  Can you even imagine?!  What a GLORIOUS day that will be!

Until then, I think it would be in our best interest to expect suffering.  Don't be surprised by it.  Instead, let's rejoice in it.  And let God use us in a MIGHTY way!!

He Can Handle It!

Today marks 3 months since Grayson's birth and I am only about a little over a month away from what my due date was.  And today, my facebook status says it all... more than anything, I just want to be pregnant again... I would LOVE to be pregnant with Grayson, but since that isn't a possibility, I want more than anything for that pregnancy test to be positive with another little baby.  I know this may seem crazy to some people, but we really want another baby as soon as we can.  My prayer was to get pregnant this month so that I could have another May baby and that God would redeem the month of May for me this next year.  Doesn't appear that is going to happen and it is definitely disheartening. 

I had a moment with God yesterday.  I yelled and told Him how angry I was.  I was angry because other people were having babies around me and announcing their pregnancies and I wanted that to be me.  I was angry because what I had planned and wanted so badly, isn't coming to fruition.  (Side note:  PLEASE don't tiptoe around me if you are pregnant... I LOVE to celebrate with you all and LOVE that God is blessing you with babies... I truly get excited, but some days, it is harder for me than others!).  I mean, we wanted our kids 20 months apart.  I wanted another baby before Collins turned two.  I had this all planned out in my head and Grayson fit perfectly into this plan.  And honestly, fear has set in.  What if I can't have more babies?  What if I lose another one?  What if something happens to the baby I have?  Just because I have lost one, doesn't mean that I am guaranteed the next.  It sometimes feels like I gave it all to Jesus and He came in and wrecked my plans.

But... and this is a big BUT... I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT GOD IS GOOD.

He tells me in 1 Peter to "cast my anxieties on Him because He cares for me".  So He can handle my feelings of anger and frustration yesterday and today.  In fact, He desires for me to share those thoughts and fears with Him.  HE CAN HANDLE IT.  I can be totally honest with Him because He already knows.  And He has felt those same things watching His ONLY Son die on the cross for me.  HE CAN HANDLE IT!

And I do have hope.  He promises me that He will give me the desires of my heart... Now, I know this doesn't mean that I will get everything I have ever wanted.  What this means is that if I am truly following Jesus' plans for my life, my heart's desires will be God's desires.  These aren't selfish desires to get things of the world.  These are desires for eternity.  So, my prayer remains this.  I would love to have more babies and will pray endlessly for that to happen.  But (and this is really hard for me to say), more than that, I want Christ to be glorified in my life.  Whatever that may look like.  And I will look forward to eternity when I will see my sweet boy again and where God promises me in Revelation that "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

Amen and AMEN!