Good.

My whole life, I have thought I was a pretty good person.  I have lived a pretty good life and lived by the "laws" that I felt like God had given us.  I didn't drink before I was legal.  I have only kissed one man, my husband.  I was a virgin when I got married.  I didn't do drugs, I didn't smoke.  I went to church every week.  I led Bible studies and small groups.  By mine and everyone else's account, I had it together.  And I was living a good life.  I thought that other people saw Christ in me because of these "good" decisions that I had been making.

When we lost Grayson, I was caught off guard.  I honestly, at points, thought "Lord, I lived a good life and made good decisions and my life looked different from those around me and I thought I was pointing others to you.  So why did you take my son to point others to you through me?  Was that really necessary?"

So as I have processed Grayson's death, I have felt God tugging on my heart.  I have felt Him saying to me "This wasn't for everyone else.... This was for you."  And not in a mean, malicious way.  A loving, compassionate, "I did this for you, Lindsey because I love you."  And at the beginning, I had times where I wanted to yell back "This isn't love!  This isn't nice!  You took my son away from me!  And I didn't deserve this... I was following your laws!"

And over the last couple months I have realized just that.  God didn't allow Grayson to go to heaven because He wanted to use me to point others towards Him (what an arrogant thought).  Now, if He chooses to use Grayson and me that way, I will be eternally grateful.  But more than that, He has used it to mold and shape me to be more like Him.  I have realized that much of my life, I was upholding "laws", but God wasn't my primary reason for doing that.  It was for my reputation.  It made me feel like I had it all together.  This has lead to me questioning every part of every decision I have ever made... And asking the question "Where was God really in that?" and "Was I really doing what God called me to or was I just following MY rules?"  In one day, I feel like my whole life completely changed.  I am a completely different person.  In fact, there are some days when I just feel plain lost.  You can ask those who know me best.  My whole person has changed.  Maybe not in what I do every day.  Maybe not in super noticeable way, but my demeanor, my thought process, my level of grace.  THIS is what God has been doing.

God used Grayson to mold me to be even more like Him and to show me just how real He really is.  Until this point, I believed in Christ, I was a Christian and desired to serve Him, but it all felt "out there".  I had never felt that I really "needed" God until losing Grayson.  I "knew" in my head that I did, but at times, I felt like I was doing just fine on my own.  I felt like it was my job to be "good" so everyone could see Him.  I felt the need to be perfect.  I have since realized that God never required that of me.  He wants us to reveal our imperfections so that He can shine brightly through them.  Grayson and his life have revealed some major imperfections in me and my faith.  And my hope and prayer is that God has shown brightly in those crevices.  If that doesn't happen, then this whole life is all for naught.  And I refuse to let my son's life go to waste because I am too scared to let others see my imperfections... especially when I have a God who is ready to come through for me anytime, anywhere.