Change

Change... It is a word that most people find pretty scary.  Usually when you go through a change, it means you are rather uncomfortable for a period of time.  The dictionary describes it as this:

"to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something)  

different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone"

This week, in Bloom (my moms of kids Bible study), we were talking about marriage.  We were asked to look at however many years we had been married (for us, we are approaching 7 years...unbelievable!) and then graph out each year in a line with how satisfied we were with our marriage over those years.  Mine, much like everyone else, had it's ups and downs.  Looking down at the graph I had sketched out, I started to think about why I was so satisfied with marriage some years and so not satisfied others... And it occurred to me that the years that I was MOST satisfied were the years that we, as a couple, went through the biggest changes.... whether those changes were good or bad!

• Year 1:  Got married. I had never lived with another man before.  And then 3 weeks after that, I got really sick and was in ICU.  There was definitely change that year.  We were forced to rely on God in, not only the transition of being married, but having someone else primarily caring for me when I was sick.
• Year 3:  We bought a house and moved everything we owned.
• Year 5:  We had our first daughter, Collins.
• Year 6:  We had our second child, first son, Grayson and buried him in the same week.

Some of these changes, were (in our eyes) good things.  We choose them.  We wanted that change.  In year 3, we wanted to buy a house and we welcomed that change into our lives with our whole hearts!  Year 5, we had Collins.  This, too, was an exciting change and one that we were prepared for!

However, year 1, and year 6 were, again in our eyes, not good changes.  It was not ideal to be in ICU 3 weeks after being married... and watching Damon question how to best take care of me.  And year 6, we had unexpected change with losing our first son, Grayson.

But what I want you to see is that, whether the changes were expected and exciting or unexpected and hard, I was MOST satisfied with my marriage then.  Why?  Because, it is during the times of change, times of being uncomfortable that we really allow God to work.  I was reading an article the other day by Nancy Ortberg, and she said "the difficult parts of change are most often where God lives".  When we go through hard changes, we realize that He is all we have and all we are ever guaranteed in this life.  In years 1 and 6 of our marriage, God showed up BIG!  We were forced to not only rely on Him, but determine, yet again what we really believed about Him.  And THIS will satisfy the soul.  And when then soul is satisfied, your life feels full.

She also said, "Change includes loss. And any loss that we experience moves our hearts closer to surrender."  Can I just tell you that my heart has never been so surrendered to my God than it has in the last 4 months.  I have always loved Jesus and wanted to follow His plan for my life, but there is a part of me that was still holding on... There was a part of me that couldn't let go of everything.  And after losing Grayson, my heart fell at the feet of Jesus... every stinking piece of it.  It is a BIG change.  And that change is scary and a bit uncomfortable at times, but why would I want to be "what it would be" if left alone?!  Without change, we become stagnant.  And that, my friends, is what I call a boring and unfulfilled, unsatisfied life... And I am NOT willing to settle for that!