I thought I would go ahead and post now as I know I won't have time to post with Christmas festivities starting tomorrow! We are currently in snowy, Coeur d'Alene, Idaho... Winter Weather advisory for tonight, which definitely means more soft, fluffy snow in the morning. Definitely my idea of Christmas morning. Don't get me wrong, the rest of the year, I am ok without snow, but there is just something about having Christmas morning white, that makes the holiday seem so much more... right!!
December 25th marks 7 months since we lost Grayson. Unbelievable... I still can't believe that our little boy isn't here to experience Christmas with us. How I was looking forward to having a little boy to buy trains and cars for! However, I do know that he is going to experience the BEST Christmas ever!! I mean, the King we are celebrating down here, is the King he is running around with up there!! What an amazing and beautiful picture!! I know that my Jesus is holding him oh so close. This picture definitely makes it easier, but it still hurts so deep.
My pregnancy is going great, so far. My last two appointments have gone as expected and I am not showing any signs of an early delivery. My cervix has stayed the exact same length, so far. Our next appt is on Jan 31st. This will be the last one to check my cervical length and then, the hope is, that all appointments after that would be "normal", which is still much more than "normal"! Every 4 weeks to the high risk and every 4 weeks to my regular ob and every 4 weeks to my endocrinologist... Which averages about 1 appt every week and a half! Whew... exhausting just thinking about all of it, but it is certainly worth it!! So physically, everything is going great.
Emotionally... still a roller coaster. I am 19 weeks and 1 day. We lost Grayson at 20 weeks and 5 days... So that is right around the corner. And that leaves my heart feeling so anxious, especially while I am not at home. In some ways, this part of the waiting feels like I am counting down the days until I have to say "good-bye" to Kinley instead of counting down the days that I will say "hello" to her in person. And this leaves me feeling pretty heavy. I am praying against all of these feelings. Part of this time has been so good because I am cherishing the time I have with her... no matter how long that may be. It causes me to stop and really enjoy the kicks of my sweet baby girl. It causes me to really take time for her, praying for her and anticipating God's plan for her life. However, I have to daily choose to turn her over to Jesus and trust Him because, right now, this is NOT coming naturally.
During this season, I want to experience true joy. My whole family is ready to see me experience true joy again. My mom told me that my whole family wants to see that... and until they do, it stops them from experiencing it fully. I don't want that. I don't want to be the thing that holds my family back from experience the true joy that Christ offers us. Hoping that it will come with time and with God's grace. As I have said, I know that this joy only comes from Christ, so I choose to place my whole heart in His hands, in hopes that He will answer this prayer! Please pray with us! I want to experience this joy during this hopeful Christmas season. I want to experience the freedom from these feelings that Christ offers. I don't have to be bound to this... As the song says:
My Chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, My Savior has ransomed me
And life a flood, His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing Grace
He has already released my chains. He has already set me free. He has ransomed me. And it all started this season over 2000 years ago. Lord, let us experience joy, rest, and hope in You this season!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Recently, I was talking to a friend about our daughter's name, Kinley Pearl and where we got it from.
As I shared in the last post, we loved the name Kinley and had it picked out awhile ago (it was our girl choice before we knew Grayson was a boy). Kinley means "fair warrior". A warrior is someone who is trained in combat or warfare. I love this in light of all we have been through. I feel like she is being my warrior. She is fighting for me... fighting for my hope. She is a constant reminder to me of the battles we face every day in trusting Christ. Bottom line, we believe in an invisible God. And that never becomes more apparent than when you have been through tragedy. You are having to trust in someone you cannot see... and that, in and of itself is a major battle. Fortunately, God is gracious enough to allow people to show His love and grace in tangible ways. The rest of these 5 months are going to be a battle, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. In a lot of ways, I feel like I am fighting everyday. Fighting fear of losing and burying another baby. Fighting sadness. Fighting the sin in my heart that causes me to not fully trust Christ with this little life. Fighting my brain as I have started feeling her kick and then don't feel her for awhile... and fighting the worry that comes with it. Fight, fight, fight. I am exhausted, but Kinley is a warrior. And the only person she is able to learn this from is Jesus... who is teaching her exactly how to fight... and it is unadulterated and perfect. She is helping me fight every day.
And Pearl is after my sweet grandma. I'll have you know that when I called and told my grandma we were naming our little girl after her, her immediate response was, (in her Minnesotan accent) "Oh, honey, are you sure you want to do that?". I immediately responded with a "yes", but her response just made me giggle. She really can't believe that anyone would want to name their kids after her... such grace and humility. We could ALL learn from her!
A couple days after I shared this information with my friend, she sent me text asking me if I remembered what we learned in school about where a pearl comes from... and went on to explain. Now, this came back to me as she was telling me, but I hadn't thought about it AT ALL with picking out the name. So a pearl is created because of an injury. It is created when a foreign object like dirt gets into the shell of an oyster by mistake. This causes the oyster to be irritated. In order to protect itself, it covers the intruding object with a mineral known as nacre. It continues to do this for several layers over several months and years, eventually forming a pearl. So you see, a pearl is something beautiful that is created from an injury. But it takes time for this healing to take place and for beauty to be the result. Jesus is the nacre... and He continues to cover this injury and hurt over and over again. I think it is pretty cool that God gave us this name (a couple years ago) and reserved it specifically for this little girl. And He gave us this name without us even thinking about the physical process it takes for a pearl to be created. Because Kinley will be just that... our pearl. Our something beautiful that has come out of an injury and something that hurts so much.
Her name gives me hope, gives me joy and gives me peace. All because of the meanings associated with her name... meanings I never even considered when we picked her name. I mean, really, how cool is our God? That He allowed this name to be for this child? Only Him.