Faithfullness

I can’t believe it has been almost a year since the last time I wrote.  If I can be totally honest, I just wanted to spend time with my girls.  Writing after Grayson was a way of processing my thoughts and emotions and escaping from reality.  When Kinley was born, I realized I didn’t want to miss one moment of either one of my girls.  We made family a priority this last year, as we felt like we just needed to rebuild.  The parts of my life that you all couldn’t see (because I didn’t even see them) were destroying our family.  I can’t even begin to describe to you the cloud that I was under the year after Grayson’s death.  I kind of quit life.  I quit cleaning… I quit cooking… I quit “feeling” anything other than sadness.  And as much as I wanted to be “ok” and tried to be “ok”, I just wasn’t.  I KNEW that I trusted in God’s sovereignty, but for whatever reason, I felt like showing my anger, was not trusting God.  And can I just share with you guys how angry I was at God for taking my son?  I knew he was in a better place and ultimately with someone who loves him more than I ever could, but that didn’t take away the fact that Grayson wasn’t here.  That I didn’t and still don’t have a little boy here on earth.  And that made my heart so sad (and still does).  I could cry at the thought that I have the cutest little boy bedding downstairs with no promise that it will ever be used.  I just wasn’t myself in the year after Grayson’s death.  The light in my eyes was gone.  And while I questioned what my life would hold. I can tell you that I knew God had a plan. I knew God would redeem my heart. And I knew God’s grace would cover all.  And boy did it do that and WAY more.  The day Kinley was born, it was like the veil fell.  Tears fell.  Tears of complete and utter joy and tears of complete and utter sadness.  A smile came through that had been lurking in the dark for far too long.  I felt ALIVE.  And not just that, I was thankful to be alive!

This week, I have been reflecting on God’s faithfulness to me since we lost Grayson.  While my heart still has a lot of healing to do, I have seen God’s faithfulness over and over again.  Just a couple days ago, Kinley was running a fever and Damon gave her to me while I held her in the shower. She didn’t want me to stand and hold her, so I layed down in the tub with her on my chest and let the water run over both of us.  It brought me back to the morning when I was pregnant with her.  I remember one day specifically, laying down in the shower (because I was too nauseous to stand) and letting the water run over my swollen belly and just talking to Kinley, telling her to stay put and that I needed her to be alive.  Begging God to let me parent her here on earth, begging for her life.  What an absolutely picture of God’s faithfulness that about a year later,  I was holding that baby girl as she gently smiled at me and met my eyes. And can I just tell you guys something?  This was just a glimpse into how much God loves me… just a tiny glimpse.

So, today, though I have lots more to catch up on, I want to leave you with that small glimpse into my life and my Savior.  What a faithful God!