Pink or Blue?!

Life around the Woodward house has been busy, to say the least.  I have been really overwhelmed with this pregnancy.  I think that I just have so many emotions surrounding it that I tend to just shut off all emotion... and then I am pretty numb to it all.  And then, it comes out as frustration at times.  And then I just cry because I don't feel like myself.  I have really struggled with being super excited about it all.  Don't get me wrong, we are definitely excited about having a baby, but I am still grieving a lot.  We just passed the 6 month mark of having Grayson and giving him to Jesus and that is NOT that long!!  On top of that, (and this may be TMI for some of you) but since last December, I have only had 1 period!! And that my friends is A LOT of hormones!!!  So if you see me, and I just randomly lose it, please remember that!!  Please just remember to keep me specifically and my heart in your prayers.  I am in a place of feeling like if I am too happy, I am not remembering Grayson and if I am too sad, then I am not being happy about this baby... and neither one of those is true.  My prayer is just that Christ fills my heart with joy again.... TRUE joy!  Within the context of true joy, I can be happy or sad because joy comes from the heart and isn't a wavering feeling!  And true joy only comes from Jesus and trusting in His plan for me!  So, please join me in praying for joy, amongst the continued health of me and this baby!!

Ok...Moving on!  I don't know why, but I was nervous about this appointment.  I think I was afraid that they would find something wrong that they had missed before... And we had to wait for a good hour and a half before going back to see the doc.  Once back there though, God immediately relieved this fear as the doctor did the ultrasound, measuring head circumference, skin thickness, length of bones in arms and legs, length of feet, etc.  Everything was PERFECT!  The baby is right on track.  He showed us the little face.  What a sweet little face!! And what an active little thing!! The baby was moving non-stop, just like Collins was at EVERY appointment!!  I just smiled contently watching the screen as I saw this little life moving away inside me.  What a surreal moment.  It is every time, but this time, even more so given the circumstances.  He then moved on to tell us whether Collins and Grayson were going to have a little sister or brother.  I had my suspicions, but I had pretty much kept those to myself!! :)  At first, the umbilical cord was in the way, so he went to looking at the other things and came back.  Then he came back to look again, and the cord was still in the way.  I said "come on Jesus, please let us see!"  And the next time he went to look... We got a really good look!!  And we found out!!!  Watch the video below as we announced to my family the news!

DON'T CHEAT... WATCH THE VIDEO!!!






















So, the candy that fell was all different colors, but the suckers were all one color!! :)

PINK!  It's another sweet baby girl!!

Now, let me just share with you, we felt that no matter what we heard, it was a little bittersweet.  We really wanted a boy because that is what we lost, but we really wanted a girl because we didn't want to feel like he would "replace" Grayson.  But we have trusted that God knows our hearts and our emotions and would give us EXACTLY what we needed, so we couldn't be more excited that He choose to bless us with a beautiful baby girl! And last, but not least, her name.

Kinley Pearl Woodward

Her middle name is after my grandma, one of the sweetest ladies you will ever meet and someone who has demonstrated Christ to me and our family for many, many years!!  We pray that she grows up to be much like my grandma!

Well, that's it for tonight!  Sorry to keep you waiting!! :)  Again, we covet your prayers for my joy, our hearts and the continued process of healing and for the on-going health of me and sweet Kinley!

Expecting Blessings

In one of my previous posts, I wrote about expecting suffering (click here to read about it).  As I said in that post, we, as believers, should not be surprised by suffering.  In fact, we should expect it.  Christ Jesus suffered much in this world.  In contrast, we should also expect God's greatest blessings.  And that is just what the Bible tells us to do.  Hebrews 11:6 says "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him."  So you see, as we earnestly seek Him, He rewards us. And James 1:17 says "Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." I love that verse.  Everything good that we experience in life comes from a good God who DOES NOT CHANGE.  Doesn't that bring such comfort?!  While most people we know change day in and day out, we have a God who is consistent and doesn't waiver in turning our hearts towards Him.

Damon and I have been in a time of suffering.  And it has been the hardest place we have ever been in.  We have had to continually turn towards Christ and look to His face to find peace and comfort.  While walking through this time, we have also been expectantly waiting a time of blessing.  But as Hebrews says, blessings only come as we earnestly seek Him.  So that is exactly what Damon and I have been doing.  There are several things that we have been praying specifically for:

• That we honor Christ with Grayson's life
• That each of you learn more about who our God is by hearing this story that God is writing for the Woodward family.
• That God would redeem the month of May for us.
• That we would TRUST Christ with His plans- no matter what that looked like.
• That we would remember that our God is sovereign.
• The God would bless us with more babies... and quickly.
• That we would not be fearful.
• We would continue to be parents to Collins who let her see who Jesus is.

We know that Christ was capable of all these things, so we entered a time of expecting blessings... and waiting.  And on September 4, we got an answer!  This is the card that I gave Damon that day.

We found out we are expecting Baby Woodward #3!  We knew we wanted it to happen quickly, but we had NO idea that God would bless us that quickly.  Our first appointment was September 25... 4 months to the day of losing Grayson.  As you can imagine, we were pretty nervous for this appointment.  We earnestly prayed that we would hear a heartbeat and I even made them assume my due date was a week later so that we would be safe.  We went in and heard the best little heartbeat! :)  Much to my surprise, I was just 6 weeks along (I thought I was more like 9).  And they gave us a due date of May 18, 2013.... Just one week before Grayson's glory day!  Our prayers had been answered... We asked God to redeem May for us and in our minds, this was redemption at it's finest!

So as of Saturday, we are 12 weeks pregnant.  How am I feeling?  Nauseous most days... which I am thankful for!  I didn't feel sick with Grayson at all so I think God knew that I needed to feel a little sick to have some peace.  And EXHAUSTED!  Hopefully, now that I have finished the first trimester, I will start to feel some relief!  Emotionally, I am nervous.  I am overwhelmed.  I am scared.  I really haven't gotten too excited... I know that sounds crazy, but I think that I am just protecting my heart.  In love.  I am already so in love with this baby.  This baby does not in ANY WAY replace Grayson and what we lost, but this baby is a blessing and we are so thankful for this life.  As we go through the next 6 months, here is what we are specifically asking for prayer for:

1. That God would allow us to bring this baby home in May.
2. Health- My health and the baby's health.
3. Our hearts.  That God would calm our fears each day- especially as we approach week 20.
4. Trust- that we would trust God with this baby's life, just like we have with both Collins and Grayson.
5. Joy- that we would really be able to let go of the fears and experience pure joy!

Here is a picture from when we went and shared the news with our little boy.  We know that he will be the best big brother to this new baby... I mean, he is an angel watching over each of us and what more could you ask for in a big brother?! Or in Collins' case, a little brother! :)

I can't end this post without saying thank you to all of you.  I know that so many of you have been praying for us each and every day as we have walked this path.  And those prayers mean the world to us... And we have felt them.  We see the face of Christ as we see how you all, our Christian family, have rallied around us.  We wouldn't be here without you.  So, thank you, thank you, thank you.  You will never know the love we have felt as you guys have grieved with us and now rejoice with us.  We love you all!

"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need you will abound in every good work."

2 Corinthians 9:8

Pretending

Some days I definitely feel like I am pretending.  People ask me how I am doing and my response is that I am doing well.  But honestly, I am pretending.  I am so overwhelmed.  I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I am overwhelmed with how to live my daily life and still remember Grayson.  I was talking to my mom a couple days ago and somehow it came up that I was really sad that Collins will never know her little brother and that our future babies will never know their big brother.  And then we started talking about his birthday... and she said, "as the years go on, the date will always be special, but you won't celebrate it them same way".  And I just started bawling.  I don't know why, but the thought of not celebrating my son's birthday each and every year breaks my heart.  It makes me feel like I would be forgetting him... and I don't ever want to!  I KNOW that I won't... but, she was right.  We will move on.  And as the months and years pass, it will become easier.  I know that Grayson won't ever have his feelings hurt that we don't celebrate him with a big party, but I do.  It hurts my feelings... it hurts my heart.  But reality... he isn't here.  He isn't here and isn't going to be here.  Most people will never know him.  I am only 27 years old and the people I meet over the next 50+ years won't get to know about this little boy who forever changed my life.  Sure, they will know about him if I tell them, but, that's it.  Just word of mouth.  How can a life so short change my life so much?  I mean,  I guess that is true of all of us at some point.  We all die and then the people after us don't know us, but why is that so much harder with a baby?  Because they never really got to live life... And I talked about this before, but I grieve the dreams I had of having a little boy.  I had images of him playing baseball with his daddy.  I had images of taking two kiddos to Minnesota over Thanksgiving and introducing Grayson to the family for the first time.  I had a visions of two little kiddos at Christmas this year.  And all of those dreams died along with Grayson.  And each day, I have to work through something different.  Now, I know this is a season.  I know that it will get easier as it goes, but right now... today... it just sucks.  Totally and utterly sucks.

But can I just reiterate this truth, that I am reminded of daily as I grieve Grayson?  God has my back. :)  He knows exactly how I am feeling today.  He knows each and every day and what I need to get through the day.  He feels my pain as closely as anyone can.  He too lost a Son... and had to witness not just His son dying too early, but the most horrific death on a cross.  It wasn't fair for God either.  BUT He choose to do that for me because He loves me just that much.  Yes, THAT MUCH!  Incredible...

So as a reminder (as much to me as anyone else), there is nothing that you are going through that God doesn't see.  My God loves me.  And He loves you... More than we could EVER imagine!!!!

10,000 Reasons

It has been almost a month since I have let you into my world... Not intentionally.  I honestly haven't had time to sit down and just write out my thoughts... which, honestly, have been pretty convoluted these days.

As the days go on after losing Grayson, I am starting to realize how different my life is looking.  He was due on October 7th.  Appropriate in so many ways because we have a lot of 7's in our family.  My birthday is December 7, our anniversary is January 7, Collins original due date was February 7 (it was moved back) and Damon proposed to me on May 7. On that day, we went out to see him for the first time.  We went out and sat by his little grave site and just smiled talking about the memories we have of him.  I didn't cry.  I cried earlier that day, but I was at peace when we went to visit him.  We brought him some beautiful blue hydrangeas.  Don't ask me why, but for some reason, I was very insistent that we had blue hydrangeas at his memorial service.  There has never been anything significant about those flowers to me, but I wanted them and wouldn't settle for anything else.  So now, they have a VERY special meaning. And I love that they grow in people's yards and I get glimpses of my little boy everywhere!

After visiting him, we dreamed about future babies and our life.  In no way will Grayson ever be replaced, but we so want to have more little babies.  You should see the joy that spreads across Damon's face when we talk about more babies.  He seriously is the best daddy!  We also decided that we wanted to celebrate the little life and joy we have in Collins.  So we decided to celebrate!  We went to the Pumpkin Patch!  She loved it last year and she loved it even more this year.  It was a sweet time with my family... just remembering Grayson and celebrating his life, Collins' life and more lives to come.  Our God is really soo good to us.

As I was reflecting on all of these thoughts this morning, I started to cry.  Both tears of joy and tears of sadness.  There is a huge part of me that just doesn't think this is fair. I should have a two week old demanding my attention right now.  How I long to hear those little cries.  And the tears of joy come from knowing exactly what Christ did for me.  Because of that, I don't have to hide my tears of sadness and frustration.  He has already counted all of them.

Music has played a huge role in my life lately.  Play the song 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman and I will cry EVERY time.  This is the song that was playing the Sunday morning at church after losing Grayson and I sang it with all my heart.

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord O my soul,

O my soul.

Worship His holy name.

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name.

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord O my soul,

O my soul.

Worship His holy name.

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name.

This is my prayer as we continue to move forward with our lives "Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes... For all His goodness, I will keep on singing, TEN THOUSAND reasons for my heart to find!".

Good.

My whole life, I have thought I was a pretty good person.  I have lived a pretty good life and lived by the "laws" that I felt like God had given us.  I didn't drink before I was legal.  I have only kissed one man, my husband.  I was a virgin when I got married.  I didn't do drugs, I didn't smoke.  I went to church every week.  I led Bible studies and small groups.  By mine and everyone else's account, I had it together.  And I was living a good life.  I thought that other people saw Christ in me because of these "good" decisions that I had been making.

When we lost Grayson, I was caught off guard.  I honestly, at points, thought "Lord, I lived a good life and made good decisions and my life looked different from those around me and I thought I was pointing others to you.  So why did you take my son to point others to you through me?  Was that really necessary?"

So as I have processed Grayson's death, I have felt God tugging on my heart.  I have felt Him saying to me "This wasn't for everyone else.... This was for you."  And not in a mean, malicious way.  A loving, compassionate, "I did this for you, Lindsey because I love you."  And at the beginning, I had times where I wanted to yell back "This isn't love!  This isn't nice!  You took my son away from me!  And I didn't deserve this... I was following your laws!"

And over the last couple months I have realized just that.  God didn't allow Grayson to go to heaven because He wanted to use me to point others towards Him (what an arrogant thought).  Now, if He chooses to use Grayson and me that way, I will be eternally grateful.  But more than that, He has used it to mold and shape me to be more like Him.  I have realized that much of my life, I was upholding "laws", but God wasn't my primary reason for doing that.  It was for my reputation.  It made me feel like I had it all together.  This has lead to me questioning every part of every decision I have ever made... And asking the question "Where was God really in that?" and "Was I really doing what God called me to or was I just following MY rules?"  In one day, I feel like my whole life completely changed.  I am a completely different person.  In fact, there are some days when I just feel plain lost.  You can ask those who know me best.  My whole person has changed.  Maybe not in what I do every day.  Maybe not in super noticeable way, but my demeanor, my thought process, my level of grace.  THIS is what God has been doing.

God used Grayson to mold me to be even more like Him and to show me just how real He really is.  Until this point, I believed in Christ, I was a Christian and desired to serve Him, but it all felt "out there".  I had never felt that I really "needed" God until losing Grayson.  I "knew" in my head that I did, but at times, I felt like I was doing just fine on my own.  I felt like it was my job to be "good" so everyone could see Him.  I felt the need to be perfect.  I have since realized that God never required that of me.  He wants us to reveal our imperfections so that He can shine brightly through them.  Grayson and his life have revealed some major imperfections in me and my faith.  And my hope and prayer is that God has shown brightly in those crevices.  If that doesn't happen, then this whole life is all for naught.  And I refuse to let my son's life go to waste because I am too scared to let others see my imperfections... especially when I have a God who is ready to come through for me anytime, anywhere.

Change

Change... It is a word that most people find pretty scary.  Usually when you go through a change, it means you are rather uncomfortable for a period of time.  The dictionary describes it as this:

"to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something)  

different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone"

This week, in Bloom (my moms of kids Bible study), we were talking about marriage.  We were asked to look at however many years we had been married (for us, we are approaching 7 years...unbelievable!) and then graph out each year in a line with how satisfied we were with our marriage over those years.  Mine, much like everyone else, had it's ups and downs.  Looking down at the graph I had sketched out, I started to think about why I was so satisfied with marriage some years and so not satisfied others... And it occurred to me that the years that I was MOST satisfied were the years that we, as a couple, went through the biggest changes.... whether those changes were good or bad!

• Year 1:  Got married. I had never lived with another man before.  And then 3 weeks after that, I got really sick and was in ICU.  There was definitely change that year.  We were forced to rely on God in, not only the transition of being married, but having someone else primarily caring for me when I was sick.
• Year 3:  We bought a house and moved everything we owned.
• Year 5:  We had our first daughter, Collins.
• Year 6:  We had our second child, first son, Grayson and buried him in the same week.

Some of these changes, were (in our eyes) good things.  We choose them.  We wanted that change.  In year 3, we wanted to buy a house and we welcomed that change into our lives with our whole hearts!  Year 5, we had Collins.  This, too, was an exciting change and one that we were prepared for!

However, year 1, and year 6 were, again in our eyes, not good changes.  It was not ideal to be in ICU 3 weeks after being married... and watching Damon question how to best take care of me.  And year 6, we had unexpected change with losing our first son, Grayson.

But what I want you to see is that, whether the changes were expected and exciting or unexpected and hard, I was MOST satisfied with my marriage then.  Why?  Because, it is during the times of change, times of being uncomfortable that we really allow God to work.  I was reading an article the other day by Nancy Ortberg, and she said "the difficult parts of change are most often where God lives".  When we go through hard changes, we realize that He is all we have and all we are ever guaranteed in this life.  In years 1 and 6 of our marriage, God showed up BIG!  We were forced to not only rely on Him, but determine, yet again what we really believed about Him.  And THIS will satisfy the soul.  And when then soul is satisfied, your life feels full.

She also said, "Change includes loss. And any loss that we experience moves our hearts closer to surrender."  Can I just tell you that my heart has never been so surrendered to my God than it has in the last 4 months.  I have always loved Jesus and wanted to follow His plan for my life, but there is a part of me that was still holding on... There was a part of me that couldn't let go of everything.  And after losing Grayson, my heart fell at the feet of Jesus... every stinking piece of it.  It is a BIG change.  And that change is scary and a bit uncomfortable at times, but why would I want to be "what it would be" if left alone?!  Without change, we become stagnant.  And that, my friends, is what I call a boring and unfulfilled, unsatisfied life... And I am NOT willing to settle for that!

Expecting Suffering

Do you expect suffering?  Or are you surprised by it?  I  know that often times, I find myself surprised by it... and why?  Jesus clearly lays out, on multiple occasions that, if I truly love Him and strive to serve Him, there will be suffering.  1 Peter 4:19 says "So then let those who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful Creator as they do good.".  John 16:33 "In this world, you will have trouble."  Jesus clearly explains this us.  So why are we so surprised by it?

Paul is a great example of someone who not only expected suffering, but rejoiced in it.  He was imprisoned.  He was beaten.  But, he got it.  He understood that his life was miniscule when compared to the plan that God had.  And because he got it, God used him in a mighty mighty way.  Mary got it.  She understood that losing the respect of the men and women around her was nothing compared to the joy that she would experience being the mother of Jesus.  And she referred to herself as a servant.  She got it.  And God used her in a mighty way!

I hope I get it.  I hope that I daily realize how small my life is.  May I daily submit myself as a servant to God.  I want God to use me in a mighty mighty way.  And the only way He can do that is by me expecting suffering. And then rejoice through it, knowing that God is going to do something big and mighty, something that only He can.

I am so glad that those verses don't just end in suffering.  Jesus continues on by telling us to "entrust our souls to a faithful Creator" and to "take heart because He has overcome the world".  Praise Jesus that He takes on my suffering and that He knows every tear that has fallen from these eyes.  And that one day, there will be no more.  You see, we are not supposed to be surprised by suffering.  When sin entered the world, so did suffering.  It wasn't God's initial design, but because of sin, evil does exist and therefore suffering exists.  I can not fathom what it will be like in heaven when there will be NO MORE sadness... NONE!  I will not have to cry another tear over hurtful words, friends moving away, or losing my son.  We will be in FOREVER happiness!!!  Can you even imagine?!  What a GLORIOUS day that will be!

Until then, I think it would be in our best interest to expect suffering.  Don't be surprised by it.  Instead, let's rejoice in it.  And let God use us in a MIGHTY way!!