He Can Handle It!

Today marks 3 months since Grayson's birth and I am only about a little over a month away from what my due date was.  And today, my facebook status says it all... more than anything, I just want to be pregnant again... I would LOVE to be pregnant with Grayson, but since that isn't a possibility, I want more than anything for that pregnancy test to be positive with another little baby.  I know this may seem crazy to some people, but we really want another baby as soon as we can.  My prayer was to get pregnant this month so that I could have another May baby and that God would redeem the month of May for me this next year.  Doesn't appear that is going to happen and it is definitely disheartening. 

I had a moment with God yesterday.  I yelled and told Him how angry I was.  I was angry because other people were having babies around me and announcing their pregnancies and I wanted that to be me.  I was angry because what I had planned and wanted so badly, isn't coming to fruition.  (Side note:  PLEASE don't tiptoe around me if you are pregnant... I LOVE to celebrate with you all and LOVE that God is blessing you with babies... I truly get excited, but some days, it is harder for me than others!).  I mean, we wanted our kids 20 months apart.  I wanted another baby before Collins turned two.  I had this all planned out in my head and Grayson fit perfectly into this plan.  And honestly, fear has set in.  What if I can't have more babies?  What if I lose another one?  What if something happens to the baby I have?  Just because I have lost one, doesn't mean that I am guaranteed the next.  It sometimes feels like I gave it all to Jesus and He came in and wrecked my plans.

But... and this is a big BUT... I KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT GOD IS GOOD.

He tells me in 1 Peter to "cast my anxieties on Him because He cares for me".  So He can handle my feelings of anger and frustration yesterday and today.  In fact, He desires for me to share those thoughts and fears with Him.  HE CAN HANDLE IT.  I can be totally honest with Him because He already knows.  And He has felt those same things watching His ONLY Son die on the cross for me.  HE CAN HANDLE IT!

And I do have hope.  He promises me that He will give me the desires of my heart... Now, I know this doesn't mean that I will get everything I have ever wanted.  What this means is that if I am truly following Jesus' plans for my life, my heart's desires will be God's desires.  These aren't selfish desires to get things of the world.  These are desires for eternity.  So, my prayer remains this.  I would love to have more babies and will pray endlessly for that to happen.  But (and this is really hard for me to say), more than that, I want Christ to be glorified in my life.  Whatever that may look like.  And I will look forward to eternity when I will see my sweet boy again and where God promises me in Revelation that "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

Amen and AMEN!

Questions and 18 months!

Damon and I both had our first encounters this week with people who didn't know we lost Grayson.  It definitely caught us both by surprise.  I mean, how do you answer someone who says "How is that little baby growing?" with genuine excitement?  Or someone who randomly asks about our tattoos?  I HATE making people feel bad.  I hate that people right away apologize for asking.  Please, if you are asking, that means that you care about us.  And I LOVE that!  And I LOVE talking about him!  And we wouldn't have tattoos if we didn't want to be reminded of Grayson and God's grace every day!! 

With those times though, I know there are times around the corner when people will ask, "How many kids do you have?" or "When are you thinking about #2?".  And I will have to answer... and I have been thinking about how to answer that without making it totally awkward... followed by silence.  Just what should my answer be?  I don't really know...  Anyone who has gone through something similar, I am open to suggestions.  For now, I have decided to say, "Well, I have 2 kids.  A little girl, Collins who is 18 months and a little boy, Grayson, who is in heaven."  Or something along those lines.  I love saying that Grayson is in heaven because, even though it may be followed by an awkward silence initially, it opens the door to sharing about Christ!  And for some reason, when people hear you have lost a child, hearts are softened (and so far in my experience) more receptive to hear what is to follow.  Which for me is a story about my GOOD God!  When people ask about when we are thinking about #2... I think about saying "Oh, we think about him all the time!" Hehe!  Not sure what people would think, but it is the honest truth!

On another note:  I CANNOT believe that my precious baby girl just turned 18 months!!  We are officially closer to 2 than 1 now... and that is UNREAL!!!  She is such a ham and I just love her to pieces.  I swear, losing Grayson has definitely made me a better mom to Collins.  I am better learning how to cherish every moment I have with her and not let the dishes (or an unmade bed) get in the way!  And who wouldn't want to miss out on the laughs this little girl brings!! She really is a funny girl! :) My current favorite photo:

Some of her favorites right now:

• Food- Anything... though the last couple of days she has been asking for hotdogs... :)  She loves her snacks and knows where they are in the cabinet.  She runs over and points and says "snaack snaaack"!
• Words- Animal noises mostly... she knows puppy, kitty, rabbit, lion, octopus, rooster, monkey, birdie... and grandpa.  See the video! :)

 My dad clears his throat all the time, so she started copying him! :)  We think it's pretty funny!!

• She loves to give hugs and kisses... and she usually says "awww" when she hugs you!
• She loves her books!  She has an animal one that she loves (cause she knows all the sounds) and she also loves "A Very Hungry Caterpillar" and "Clifford"!
• She loves her friend Henry who comes to play with her a couple days a week.

• She LOVES her Grandpa (my dad) whom she has taken on calling "Papa".  She seriously knows when we are coming around the corner to their house and starts yelling "Papa, Papa!!"
• We had to turn her carseat around... you are supposed to wait until after they turn 2, but she is seriously so long that her legs were all scrunched up... I waited as long as I could, but she just looked pitiful back there!!  She loves being able to see everything and face forward now.
• Even though she doesn't completely understand what happened with Grayson, I think she totally grasps the things that were his and represent him in our house. For example, the monkey below is one of the things that we had brought to the hospital with us.  We have several of them, but every time that Collins sees it, she says "Baby" and hugs it and says "Aww"... And she does the same with my tattoo-- though she doesn't hug it! :)   Also, whenever I play the song "Glory Baby" by Watermark, she looks at me with really wide eyes and starts crying.  No other song does that.  Just that one.  It's like she knows that something is sad about that song.  I love that her sweet heart is sensitive to losing Grayson, but also glad that she will never "really" know what happened.

 

• She doesn't really love her toys... I mean, she gets more joy out of pulling the off (help my OCD heart) the shelf than actually playing with them.
• She LOVES being outside! She says "side, side" all the time and cries when we have to bring her back in.
• She absolutely adores her daddy!  He makes her laugh more than anyone and seeing the two of them together just melts my heart to pieces.  She hears the garage door open about 5:30ish and says "Dadadadada" and starts running for the door and literally, jumps into his arms!  It is the sweetest thing ever!
• She is stubborn... and determined... She may or may not get this from me! ;)  She will literally sit with the buckle of a seatbelt, grocery cart, life jacket or whatever and work to get it fastened.  As soon as she gets it fastened she says "Huh-pooh" which means "Help, please" for us to undo it so she can start again.  Comes in very handy while shopping-- entertains her for a good half hour!!!
• She has good manners... She says "Thank you" and "pooh" (please) all the time!
• She is good at using the two signs that we have taught her, more and all done. :)
• She loves going to bed and never cries when we lay her down.  When we say "Let's go nu-night", she repeats, "Nu-night, Nu-night", picks up Elly (her elephant) and Manny (one of Grayson's monkey's that she inherited) and heads that way.  She usually puts Manny and Elly in the crib and then tries to climb in herself!!  It is pretty cute!
• And last, I can already see her working out what is right and wrong.  I know that Jesus is already working on molding her heart.  I can only pray that Damon and I help point her in the right direction.

Collins Reese, you are complete blessing to your mommy and daddy and so many other people!  I thank Jesus every day for you and for letting me be your mommy while you are here on earth and for letting me take care of the most precious gift!  I love you sweet girl!

Memorial Service

I realize that I talk a lot about Grayson on this blog right now, but I don't want to forget anything... So, I haven't told you guys about his memorial service.  It was so incredibly special.  I still can't believe that I had to plan a funeral for my baby boy, but God definitely gave me the strength to do it and even make it more special than I thought possible.  Let me preface this post by saying this:  I know that not all of my friends were invited.  I wish you all could have been there, but honestly, at this point, I wasn't ready to face everyone.  I just couldn't handle too many people.  It was very small- only about 50 people total.

His memorial service was Tuesday, May 29 at 1:00 in the afternoon.  Before getting there, I was actually in pretty good spirits.  I was able to calmly get ready for this event.  I was excited to be able to celebrate Grayson's life.  I think that God's grace and peace covered me that morning.

Damon's dad and some of our dear friends, Keith and Shannon and their daughter, Brooklyn were all here with us and prayed over us before we left the house.  When we arrived, my family was already there.  As soon as I saw his little casket, I started bawling... It just isn't natural seeing this little tiny casket.  As people arrived, I felt so much love and support.  I would cry with every hug... it meant so much to have all the people care so much about me and my family.  John O'Leary, who leads a men's Bible study for Damon and several other guys did the service.  He did an amazing job.  We had talked with him the night before and told him that we really wanted for people to hear the hope we have.  Yes, it is a tragedy, but I didn't want it to be all sad.  Actually, we even told everyone not to wear black.  We had everyone wear light colors, white, khaki, etc.  It seemed fitting for an innocent life.

John shared some words about how we were feeling and doing and focused on several verses that we had picked out for him.

Shortly after Grayson died, Stacey Hammons wrote a poem for him.  It is so sweet.  It is called "For Grayson" and was in the program I made for him.

A life so small, so brief, yet a life
First learning of you, we were elated
But hesitant to tell, so we waited
Our time alone with you a gift to treasure
Sharing with others brought such pleasure
A life so small, so brief, yet a life of memories
On a rare sunny day this winter
You gave us a picture to remember
A strong and beautiful beating heart
You lit up our world from the very start
A life so small so brief, yet a life complete
Another secret we had to tell
With blue balloons at the big reveal
A son, a grandson, nephew, little brother
All you would be to so many others
Dreams of your bright eyes and big smile
Collins leading you around - at least for awhile
A life so small so brief, yet a life that blessed
Sorrow now for the memories we will not have
Seeing your talents and hearing your laugh

We will miss out, but not knowing this life so brief

Would leave us as less than we were meant to be

Because of Grayson we will remember 

That pain and joy often come together

That each moment is precious and sweet 

And that all our lives are small and brief 

Because of you we know what it means 

To love so deeply that nothing seems  

To be left, we are poured out 

As God has loved us without a doubt 

No love is greater than parent to child 

We are thankful for this short while 

The gift of you we will not forget 

We wish we still had you yet 

Now you are safe in the arms of our Lord 

The only One who could love you more 

Our sorrow is such sweet pain

 We know our loss is heaven's gain

My dad spoke too.  It was the sweetest thing you have ever heard.  He talked about how he couldn't wait for a grandson and how he would have dreams about him calling him "Papa" and playing with him.  I still can't believe that he held it together!

We finished by releasing baby blue balloons and listening to "Glory Baby" by Watermark.  It is a moment that I will never forget.  After the service was finished we brought in an ice cream truck come.  I mean, what better way to celebrate a little boy's birthday than with ice cream?!  Not to mention, it was SOOOO hot!! I was seriously drenched with sweat!!

It really is a sweet memory.  Man do I miss this little boy, but today, I am cherishing the sweet times I had with him.  I sure love him with every piece of my heart.  The hole doesn't ever go away, but God is filling in where only He can.  I have faith that God is using Grayson and loving him in heaven!

I will leave you with some of my favorite pictures from the service.

 Our last picture as a family of 4.

Collins kept pointing and saying "Baby, Baby".  It was really sweet!

 My family at the ice cream truck.  Such a sweet memory.  

I think we are going to have to do this every year on his birthday.

Heavy Heart

Today,  I just had to sit down and cry.  It was two months ago that I met my little boy and said goodbye.  My heart is heavy.  I see all the pregnant people around me and while I am so excited for them, I just want that to be me.  I want to still feel little Grayson kicking away... It just hurts and I am exhausted.  I don't know that I have yet to fully recover from everything.  The reality is that life has to keep going, but my body and heart just went through the toughest thing yet and a part of me wants to just stop... and sleep... and be alone.  Pray for me today.  I really am just so tired...

"Remember the word to Your servant, upon which You have caused me to hope.  This is my comfort in my affliction, for Your word has given me life."

Psalm 119:49-50

Happy 2 Months, Grayson.  Mommy loves you.  My heart aches for you.  Jesus, give my baby a hug for me today.  Thanks for taking good care of him!

8 Weeks and Blessings

This week was good. I had my last "test" this week.  My doctor wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything that we missed that was wrong that would have sent me into labor like that.  Everything came back normal.  I am torn over this answer.  The human side of me wants an answer and wants to know why my body did what it did, but the other part of me, is so glad that something wasn't wrong.  I am so glad that my body should be able to have more babies without any complications.  I know there is no guarantee, but my doctor really believes that it shouldn't.  So, that's good news.  His last words to me before I left on Tuesday were "Well, I will see you again when you are pregnant!" with a huge smile on his face.  What words of hope!! Brought joy to my heart to know that he has faith that he will see me again, carrying another little life! Eeeek!

Today marks 8 weeks since we said goodbye to Grayson.  It still feels very surreal.  I still, at times, have a hard time believing that I won't be bringing a baby home in October.  It still makes my heart sad and I think it always will.  As I have continued to read the book "Anything", I am challenged by Jennie's words.  God is constantly pointing me towards Him through this book.  Funny how this book isn't even about grieving... Yesterday, I read the following statement: "On the other side of the pain is freedom, peace, joy, hope, the loss of control, and it was how I was made to live."  WOW!  If I keep giving everything to Christ, I can enjoy those things now.  And you know what, I am finding all of those.  I am finding freedom in releasing control.  I am finding peace in my past and future.  I know that God is in control and that gives me peace that passes all understanding.  Each day, I am finding more and more joy.  I have a beautiful little girl who is so fun to watch and play with.  Her little life is showing me what unrestrained joy really looks like.  I have a husband, who despite my stupidity and stubbornness, loves me unconditionally.  I never worry about him leaving my side.  I have a God who loves me exactly where I am.  I know I will fall again and try to hold on to things that I need to let go, but He will never let me go... and that brings me GREAT joy!!  Hope... man, I have hope in tomorrow.  Even if tomorrow doesn't go as planned.  I have hope because God has made me some promises.  And I know He is going to keep them... He is my refuge and strength and present help in time of troubles. (Psalm 46:1)  He gives me strength when I am weak. (Isaiah 40:29)  He is a faithful God. (Deuteronomy 7:9) I am promised eternal life. (1 John 2:25) He promises that no one can take away my joy. (Psalm 16:22) He has promised me everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)... And the list could go ON and ON!  There is so much hope in a life focused on Christ. All these things cause us to lose control. And when we lose control, we allow God to work in ways that we never imagined!  And this is how God created me to live.  Wholly dependent on Him.  Life is just better with Him.  Then, I can really and truly enjoy the blessings that God has given me.

A handsome hubby...

Sweet baby girl...

 A great family... (my bro is MIA in this pic)

A great house, a great job, overall, good health... I really have LOTS to be thankful for.  I hope you can look at the blessings God has given you.  Even if  you only got to enjoy them for a short time, like our little Grayson!

A Not-so-New Kind of Normal

I am not really sure there is any such thing as "normal", but I am sure of what my "normal" is, or rather, what it was.  My "normal", before Grayson, consisted of working on Mondays and Thursdays and being a stay at home mom the other days of the week.  I also watch a little boy, Henry, a couple days a week.  I have small group on Wednesday nights, Community Group on Tuesday nights and my hubby has bible study on Monday nights.  We usually try to go out together on Thursday or Fridays.  And we hang out with family and friends on the weekends.

That aspect of my life hasn't changed.  Which is weird to me because I feel as though my whole life has changed and that my daily life should reflect that.  Ultimately though, Grayson never came home, so I didn't change my daily routine.

I came home and my days continued on like "normal" on the outside, but so not normal on the inside.  And somehow, I wanted my outside life to reflect what my inside was feeling.  But how am I supposed to do that?  I don't want to cry all the time, though crying is good and necessary.  I don't want to give a false sense of "life goes on" because while life does go on, it doesn't go on in the same manner it once did.  I didn't want to be happy all the time because I do have times when I am overwhelming sad, but I wanted to be happy because I have so much joy-- even in my sorrow! Like this song by Darrell Evans...

Though the sorrow may last for the night,

His joy comes with the morning!

I have sorrow, but I also have joy and I wanted my "new kind of normal" to reflect that.  So what does that look like?

It's really simple actually.  Live like Christ.  That is all that I have to do.  Live like Christ.  Be willing and open to share my life with others.  Be willing to share my joy, my pain, my happiness and my sadness.  John 13:15 says "I have given you an example, that as I have done, so should you do."  And what did Jesus do?  1) He loved God, the Father and did His will, no matter the cost.  2) He loved people.  He did these two things while still doing life.  Jesus worked, he was a carpenter.  He ate dinner with His friends.  He took care of His family.  He laughed, He wept, He got angry, He even grieved.  He did all these things.  And He should be my example of how to move forward in my "new normal".

So for me, I keep going to work on Mondays and Thursdays and staying at home the other days of the week.  I keep watching Henry a couple days a week.  I keep doing my small group on Wednesday nights and my community group on Tuesdays.  Damon keeps going to his Bible study on Monday nights.  We keep going out on dates.   We keep hanging out with friends and family on the weekends.  We do all these things while 1) Loving God the Father and doing His will, no matter the cost and 2) Loving people.

If I do these things, I don't have to worry about my life looking normal... because it isn't normal... it never has been normal... and it never will be normal.  If my heart isn't normal, and believe me, a true Christian life is anything, but normal, my life will reflect that.  Even if my routine stays the exact same.

I feel God is doing something in my life and in my heart.  I feel Him...

Questions

Today, I woke up and I couldn't stop thinking about Grayson.  Sometimes, you just can't help but ask questions.  I would be lying to you if I told you that I hadn't questioned God in the last 5 weeks since Grayson's death.  You better believe that I have questioned Him several times.  Today was one of those days.  As we drove to church, I was overcome with questions of why.  Why couldn't I have made it until this week?  He would have been viable.  Why didn't I notice I was dilating?  Why did God choose Grayson to go home?  Why did it have to happen to me?  I often times just want to go back 6 weeks ago and stay there.

So today, as God so often does, He spoke right to me at church.  We were talking about the good life.  We talked about how the good life, as a believer, means that our sole joy is in the law of the Lord.  That, when we live in His will and in His plan, we have the good life.  If we really believe that, then God is good no matter the circumstances and that He loves me desperately.  Bang.  I mean, whack me over the head!  Like I said in the last post, I truly believe that God is good, but some days, I struggle with it.  Because, let's face it.  I am human and am putting my faith in a God that I can't physically see.  But just as I cross bridges and trust that they are going to hold me up, I also am going to go through this life, trusting that Jesus is walking right beside me...  And even carrying me when I am too weak to walk on my own.  I posted a quote awhile back and it is so true. Oswald Chambers says "Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand."

So the question remains, do I have faith?  Do I have confidence in God's character? Can I trust Him though I may not have a full understanding.  The answer, without a doubt, yes!  So like, Abraham did with Isaac, I will take everything that is precious and dear to me to the alter, ready to sacrifice it, if that is what God asks of me.  Because ultimately, God sees what I can't.  He sees beyond the here and now.  And thank God He does.  Thank you Jesus for never letting me go, even when I stray and question your perfect will.

We ended with the song "None But Jesus" by Hillsong.  And I sang these lyrics with everything in me because I know them to be true in my life.  I have seen it.

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

And I pray that I live out the chorus:

There is no one else for me

None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free

Now I live to bring Him praise

So instead of going back to six weeks ago and staying there, I move forward, ever so slowly, but trusting in Jesus, every step of the way... It's all I can do!