I have been thinking about what to write for a week or so now... How do you
go from my last post to this... A post of pure excitement to one of
heartbreak?
The answer? With God's never-ending grace and mercy. It isn't
easy and God never promised me that it would be, but I share it with you
because it is all I have of Grayson... and my hope is that his story gives you
insight into just how great our God is... How loving and compassionate He is...
and how He is carrying me, Grayson's mommy, at my weakest moments. This
is a long story, but I hope it is worth the time. I know it is worth
every minute of me writing it out.
One month ago, yesterday, on May 25, 2012, Grayson Scott Woodward was born,
at almost 21 weeks gestation, into the arms of Jesus at 9:44am. He
weighed just 12.6ozs and was 10 1/2 inches long. He was the most precious
and handsome baby boy I have ever seen... and he looked just like me. We
got to spend several hours with him, loving on him. I will be eternally
grateful that God gave us that time, just to see his little face, his hands,
his feet... all just precious. And as we saw him, you better believe that
we saw the face of God! What an amazing testimony to our Savior!!
Collins also got to meet her little brother. She stared at him and kept
pointing at him saying "baby, baby". My family got to be there
and hold him as well. I know that they will forever cherish those
memories. The day was very bittersweet, to say the least. It was the
hardest day of my life, but as I have said countless times, we are so
heartbroken, but resting in the fact that Grayson is with Jesus. He knew
his days before we even knew he existed. That, however, does not take
away the pain. My heart aches for memories that I will never have with my
little boy, my belly aches to feel him kicking again, my arms ache to hold
him. Let me share with you Grayson's story from the very beginning.
This story starts back on January 24th when we found out we were
pregnant! We were so excited because it had taken us so long to get
pregnant with Collins, but God granted us another baby after just 1 time of
trying!! We told our families pretty immediately, as well as, some of our
closest friends. We were so glad that God was giving us the chance to be
parents of two! I made Collins a "Shh... I have a secret... I am
going to be a big sister" shirt! We put it on her and had the family
over to see who would notice! It took most my family a little while to notice,
but Auntie Kat noticed right away and said "SHUT UP!" Ha!
Everyone was so excited! We skyped Damon's family and they too shared in our
excitement!
The next weeks, I was busy planning Collins' first birthday. It was so
hard to keep the secret to myself with everyone coming over, but in my heart, I
wanted to wait until after our first doctor's appointment. That
appointment came 2 days before Collins turned one. We had flown Damon's
mom in for the party, but were also excited for her to be a part of this
appointment. We didn't tell her we were pregnant until she got here.
When we went to have the ultrasound done, the tech got really quiet.
She asked me if we were sure that we had our dates right and I said
"yes", I am sure. And she said "Well, this isn't exactly
what we expect to see at this point, but I will let Dr. Sellers tell you
more". Our hearts sunk. We cried. We just knew something
was wrong. Dr. Sellers told us that it appeared that I had a blighted
ovum. Which, basically meant that my body acted like it was pregnant, but
there was no baby. I had the sack and everything, but there wasn't a baby
inside. He told me that I would most likely miscarry in the next week,
but wanted to set me up with another appointment in a week in case that hadn't
happened and discuss our options then. I bawled. I remember just saying
"There is no baby... there is no baby..." And I cried and
cried. However, the next day, as I did some research, I began to get
hope. I started to think that my dates were off, but I didn't want to get
too hopeful and be really disappointed. The whole week, I had the song
you learned in VBS "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's
NOTHING my God cannot do" stuck in my head. I really believed that
when we went back, we would hear a heartbeat! And sure enough, on
February 21, we heard the most beautiful heartbeat! We cried tears of
joy! The tech kept saying "This doesn't happen... we don't ever see
this happen..." and I kept saying "God is good. He is soo good!"
Because of that scare, I cherished every moment of this pregnancy. I
loved loved loved talking to him and feeling him kick. I just loved being
pregnant. God was definitely gracious to me by not allowing me to be so
sick (like I was with Collins) so I could really enjoy being pregnant with
Grayson. I really believe it was a special gift.
On May 1, we found out that we were having a little boy! We were so so
excited to have a little brother in the family. It is the first boy in
our family since my brother, Landon. And Damon is the only boy with 3
sisters and 2 step-sisters, so everyone was ready to have a little boy running
around again! And I was excited to finally pick a name and decorate his
nursery. I think I said this in my last post, but I definitely wanted to
use the name Grayson. I loved it from the moment I heard it! Damon
needed a little convincing, but as we talked it over, we decided it was the
perfect name! We decided on Scott as his middle name after my dad.
We had them over and told him what we had decided. He cried (I told you,
a lot of girls, he is in touch with his emotional side!)... and was so
honored. I couldn't think of anyone else that I would rather my son be
named after. We began to pray for Grayson Scott by name and that he would
live up to the legacy of my dad's name... That he would be a man after God,
obedient to what God called him to, someone who loves his wife and family
well. We began to dream about what his life would look like.
Since about April, I had been reading the book "Anything" by
Jennie Allen. It begs the question, "Would you really give God
anything?" As I read, I felt challenged to offer God everything I
had. I began by giving Him my house...then my time...then my
finances...then my marriage...then my husband...then Collins... and then
Grayson. I knew that all of these things ultimately belonged to Him
anyways, so, in my mind, I was giving Him what was rightfully His.
However, it was hardest for me to give Him Grayson. I hadn't even met Grayson
yet, other than the kicks in my belly... I think because of our scare in the
beginning, I was always worried that someday, I would find out he wasn't
there... and I was scared. But, reluctantly, I gave God Grayson. I
prayed that He would give me the honor and privilege of being his mommy, but
wanted whatever God's plan was for my life and Grayson's life.
In my heart, I think I always knew that God was going to take Grayson home
before I was ready. I was never truly confident with this pregnancy.
I was hesitant to share we were expecting him, I was hesitant to share that he
was a boy, I was hesitant to buy his bedding, buy his little monkeys... I
couldn't explain why and didn't share these thoughts with anyone.
And when my friend, Joanna, lost her little girl Meryn on May 8 at 23 weeks
gestation, something about it resonated so deeply in my heart. I had no idea
why... well, actually, I think I did, but didn't want to give way to my biggest
fear. I kept thinking about how I would respond if that happened to
Grayson in a couple weeks. I was just a couple weeks behind her in my
pregnancy. I began to pray, quietly, that I would honor God, no matter
what happened...
The week of Grayson's birth, I felt great! Other than a few
contractions early in the week, due to a UTI (totally common during pregnancy),
which I was on medicine for, nothing was out of the ordinary. I was told
by a doctor that feeling a couple contractions while having a UTI was normal,
but keep an eye on it. I was diagnosed with that on Friday and by Monday,
symptons sub-sided and I felt totally normal again! On Thursday night, I
went to bed about midnight and felt great. However, at about 1:45am, I
woke up and didn't feel good at all... I thought I was going to get
sick. I felt my belly get tight, but again, thought that was fairly
normal as I thought I was going to puke. I got up and went to the
bathroom, got a glass of water and laid back down, trying to go back to sleep.
I also said a little prayer that if this was something I needed to get checked
out for, that God would make it really obvious. Well, by 2:00am, I was in
some pretty good pain and felt like I was contracting. I woke Damon up
and told him that we needed to go to the hospital to stop these contractions.
(I had to do this 3 times with Collins, so this wasn't abnormal). I even
changed into jeans and a t-shirt to head out. He asked me if I could
drive myself, and at the time, I probably could have, but something inside me
said "no, I think you better go with me". So we called my sister, who
lives 3 minutes away to come and stay with Collins the rest of the night,
anticipating that we would be back in a couple hours. By the time we
reached the hospital at 2:30, I was in the most intense pain of my life! I was sweating
bullets and couldn't hardly stand anymore. I literally felt like my whole
insides were going to explode. Mind you, I got to about a 9.5 with
Collins before I got an epidural so had experienced pretty good labor, but this
was not your normal labor pains.
As they admitted me in, a nurse checked me and said, "I want
another nurse to double-check and see if she feels what I think I
felt." I knew that wasn't a good sign, but was in too much pain to
process much of anything. The other nurse checked and said "you are
already fully dilated... 10cm... we need to get you to a labor and delivery
room, but I am not doing anything else until we talk to Dr. Sellers because
your water hasn't broken." The nurse tells Damon that it looks like
I may have to deliver. Damon immediately calls the rest of my
family. They get me to the delivery room and bring in the perinatologist
(high risk, baby doc) to do an ultrasound. They find Grayson who is
kicking away and has a strong heartbeat, but he is way low. Just an FYI,
most of this next part was retold to me because I was so out of it, at first
because of the pain, then because I had 3 doses of stadol... at about 3:30am,
Dr. Sellers comes in, with tears in his eyes and tells us what is
happening. For some reason, my cervix completely dilated, but I haven't
had enough contractions to actually deliver Grayson. However, his sack
had already fallen part way through. Now normally, they would try to get
it to go back in, but Grayson got his feet stuck down in the part that had
fallen through with his umbilical cord wrapped around his little legs. If
they were to try and push it back up, it would have cut off all circulation to
the umbilical cord, killing Grayson. So, I was told that I would have to
deliver my baby boy and that he was too little to survive. I asked them
to please try and push him back up anyways and he said that he would if he
could, but there was no chance of Grayson surviving either way. As a mom,
this was the hardest thing for me to hear... afterall, he was still
alive. I could feel him moving this whole time. Dr. Sellers cried
the whole time... what a blessing he was as a doctor. What doctor cries
with you, holds the hands of your family and prays with you?! God
couldn't have put a better man in this room. Again, God's goodness
showing through. I was told that I would have to spend the next several
hours in labor, they were going to give me pitocin to make me contract because
I wasn't having enough contractions. I still, at this point, never
cried. I told you, I was completely out of it and in way too much
physical pain to process anything. I fell asleep as they gave me the
epidural and when I woke up, it all came to a halt and I lost it. I cried
harder than I ever have in my life. Those moments, where it all sank
in... I knew I was going to lose my baby boy. I knew that Jesus was going
to be holding him before I ever would. And those moments, they hurt, they
sting like nothing has ever stung before. There was a hole that was
formed in my heart then, that will never truly be filled this side of
heaven. At about 9:30am, I felt the need to push. Where you get the
strength to call in your doctor and tell him you are ready to deliver your baby
boy, knowing that the end result was his death, when I could feel him kicking
still, I know only comes from strength outside my own. He came in and
asked me if I was ready and I said "ready as I will ever be" with
tears in my eyes. My family, along with Dr. Sellers, tearfully prayed
over Damon and I and they quietly left the room, with the exception of my mom
and sister, Abby. Dr. Sellers told me that, Grayson would likely pass
away while I delivered him. I truly believe, at this point, God took over
my body and gave me peace to do the best thing I could do for little Grayson
and pushed and at 9:44am, he was born. It was a moment that I will never ever
forget. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and smiled. And said
"I am so jealous of Jesus right now because He is getting to hold my baby
boy."
The next several hours were spent holding Grayson, taking pictures, putting
his footprints on everything we could find, grieving, questioning and praising
God. There is a part of me that wishes you all could have been there and
seen him. You CANNOT deny God when you saw his little face.. his
fingernails... You CANNOT. It is impossible.
As I went to go pick up the book I had been reading, there was a part of me
that wanted to throw it back down and never pick it up again. Jesus asked
me if I was willing to give Him anything and I said yes. He took me up on
it. Would I do it all over again? Yes. Jesus, you can have
anything!!
I could not imagine a little over a month ago how my life would
change, but I would not change it for one second. Do I long to hold him
again? Absolutely! Will I hold him again? Absolutely!! And
until then, my Jesus is holding him safe and sound. And little Grayson
will always be a part of our lives. He has changed my life. He has
changed how I view Christ, how I view Jesus and His death on the cross, he has
changed how I view my kiddos, he has changed how I love my family, he has
changed how I worship, he has changed everything... And I wouldn't change
anything. Jesus died for me. God WILLINGLY gave up His ONLY son to
die for me. That has taken on a WHOLE new meaning through losing
Grayson. I wouldn't say that I was willing to give up Grayson and it is
the hardest thing I have ever done, letting him go. God has been so
faithful. He is soo good to me and I am blessed beyond imagination to be
called "Grayson's mommy".
Grayson Scott Woodward, I love you and miss you terribly. You are one of the best things that has ever
happened to me. You truly have lived up to the middle name given to you. You were obedient to Jesus and I know you
heard, “Well, done” when you saw Jesus!!
Thank you for changing my life!
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We celebrated Collins' first birthday 2 months ago, which is so hard to believe!! She is truly the delight of our lives! She is WILD and is ALL Damon. I mean, Damon goes and goes and goes... And Collins goes and goes and goes... Makes it a little difficult on Mommy as that is DEFINITELY NOT my personality!! She is definitely starting to talk more and more... She mainly says animal noises... Kitty, Doggie, Rabbit, Horsey, Monkey, and Lion... She says "mama" "dada" and "papa", but only really when we tell her to. She signs fore "more" when she wants more food. And she signs for "all done" when she is done eating. Other than that, she pretty much yells when she wants something. Such a loud mouth! When we say "are you hungry" or "are you thirsty", if she is, she shakes her head yes and then heads to the fridge or her highchair or points to her cup. Such a smartie!! :)
We also just got back from a MUCH needed vacation to Hawaii!!! We went with all of Damon's family and pretty much spent every spare moment of our time on the beach!! ALL 9 DAYS! (Ok, well, we didn't go the day we got there, and then one day that was a little chilly...) It was BEAUTIFUL and we had a great time catching up with Damon's whole family and spending some sweet time with them! It had been a year since we had seen them! Crazy!! We always hit the beach early, as Collins never fully adjusted to the time change and we were up by 6:00 most every morning. So we usually were at the beach by 8:00am or so! Stayed until 1:00-2:00... We just took her pack n play down there and let her nap on the beach in the shade... no better way to nap if you ask me!! Then we would do a little shopping, walking around, hanging out in the condo with the... and just a little EATING!! Yummy... nothing better than fresh seafood... Don't worry, I only ate the stuff on the "ok to eat while pregnant list"! ;) 
