Heavy Heart

Today,  I just had to sit down and cry.  It was two months ago that I met my little boy and said goodbye.  My heart is heavy.  I see all the pregnant people around me and while I am so excited for them, I just want that to be me.  I want to still feel little Grayson kicking away... It just hurts and I am exhausted.  I don't know that I have yet to fully recover from everything.  The reality is that life has to keep going, but my body and heart just went through the toughest thing yet and a part of me wants to just stop... and sleep... and be alone.  Pray for me today.  I really am just so tired...

"Remember the word to Your servant, upon which You have caused me to hope.  This is my comfort in my affliction, for Your word has given me life."

Psalm 119:49-50

Happy 2 Months, Grayson.  Mommy loves you.  My heart aches for you.  Jesus, give my baby a hug for me today.  Thanks for taking good care of him!

8 Weeks and Blessings

This week was good. I had my last "test" this week.  My doctor wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything that we missed that was wrong that would have sent me into labor like that.  Everything came back normal.  I am torn over this answer.  The human side of me wants an answer and wants to know why my body did what it did, but the other part of me, is so glad that something wasn't wrong.  I am so glad that my body should be able to have more babies without any complications.  I know there is no guarantee, but my doctor really believes that it shouldn't.  So, that's good news.  His last words to me before I left on Tuesday were "Well, I will see you again when you are pregnant!" with a huge smile on his face.  What words of hope!! Brought joy to my heart to know that he has faith that he will see me again, carrying another little life! Eeeek!

Today marks 8 weeks since we said goodbye to Grayson.  It still feels very surreal.  I still, at times, have a hard time believing that I won't be bringing a baby home in October.  It still makes my heart sad and I think it always will.  As I have continued to read the book "Anything", I am challenged by Jennie's words.  God is constantly pointing me towards Him through this book.  Funny how this book isn't even about grieving... Yesterday, I read the following statement: "On the other side of the pain is freedom, peace, joy, hope, the loss of control, and it was how I was made to live."  WOW!  If I keep giving everything to Christ, I can enjoy those things now.  And you know what, I am finding all of those.  I am finding freedom in releasing control.  I am finding peace in my past and future.  I know that God is in control and that gives me peace that passes all understanding.  Each day, I am finding more and more joy.  I have a beautiful little girl who is so fun to watch and play with.  Her little life is showing me what unrestrained joy really looks like.  I have a husband, who despite my stupidity and stubbornness, loves me unconditionally.  I never worry about him leaving my side.  I have a God who loves me exactly where I am.  I know I will fall again and try to hold on to things that I need to let go, but He will never let me go... and that brings me GREAT joy!!  Hope... man, I have hope in tomorrow.  Even if tomorrow doesn't go as planned.  I have hope because God has made me some promises.  And I know He is going to keep them... He is my refuge and strength and present help in time of troubles. (Psalm 46:1)  He gives me strength when I am weak. (Isaiah 40:29)  He is a faithful God. (Deuteronomy 7:9) I am promised eternal life. (1 John 2:25) He promises that no one can take away my joy. (Psalm 16:22) He has promised me everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)... And the list could go ON and ON!  There is so much hope in a life focused on Christ. All these things cause us to lose control. And when we lose control, we allow God to work in ways that we never imagined!  And this is how God created me to live.  Wholly dependent on Him.  Life is just better with Him.  Then, I can really and truly enjoy the blessings that God has given me.

A handsome hubby...

Sweet baby girl...

 A great family... (my bro is MIA in this pic)

A great house, a great job, overall, good health... I really have LOTS to be thankful for.  I hope you can look at the blessings God has given you.  Even if  you only got to enjoy them for a short time, like our little Grayson!

A Not-so-New Kind of Normal

I am not really sure there is any such thing as "normal", but I am sure of what my "normal" is, or rather, what it was.  My "normal", before Grayson, consisted of working on Mondays and Thursdays and being a stay at home mom the other days of the week.  I also watch a little boy, Henry, a couple days a week.  I have small group on Wednesday nights, Community Group on Tuesday nights and my hubby has bible study on Monday nights.  We usually try to go out together on Thursday or Fridays.  And we hang out with family and friends on the weekends.

That aspect of my life hasn't changed.  Which is weird to me because I feel as though my whole life has changed and that my daily life should reflect that.  Ultimately though, Grayson never came home, so I didn't change my daily routine.

I came home and my days continued on like "normal" on the outside, but so not normal on the inside.  And somehow, I wanted my outside life to reflect what my inside was feeling.  But how am I supposed to do that?  I don't want to cry all the time, though crying is good and necessary.  I don't want to give a false sense of "life goes on" because while life does go on, it doesn't go on in the same manner it once did.  I didn't want to be happy all the time because I do have times when I am overwhelming sad, but I wanted to be happy because I have so much joy-- even in my sorrow! Like this song by Darrell Evans...

Though the sorrow may last for the night,

His joy comes with the morning!

I have sorrow, but I also have joy and I wanted my "new kind of normal" to reflect that.  So what does that look like?

It's really simple actually.  Live like Christ.  That is all that I have to do.  Live like Christ.  Be willing and open to share my life with others.  Be willing to share my joy, my pain, my happiness and my sadness.  John 13:15 says "I have given you an example, that as I have done, so should you do."  And what did Jesus do?  1) He loved God, the Father and did His will, no matter the cost.  2) He loved people.  He did these two things while still doing life.  Jesus worked, he was a carpenter.  He ate dinner with His friends.  He took care of His family.  He laughed, He wept, He got angry, He even grieved.  He did all these things.  And He should be my example of how to move forward in my "new normal".

So for me, I keep going to work on Mondays and Thursdays and staying at home the other days of the week.  I keep watching Henry a couple days a week.  I keep doing my small group on Wednesday nights and my community group on Tuesdays.  Damon keeps going to his Bible study on Monday nights.  We keep going out on dates.   We keep hanging out with friends and family on the weekends.  We do all these things while 1) Loving God the Father and doing His will, no matter the cost and 2) Loving people.

If I do these things, I don't have to worry about my life looking normal... because it isn't normal... it never has been normal... and it never will be normal.  If my heart isn't normal, and believe me, a true Christian life is anything, but normal, my life will reflect that.  Even if my routine stays the exact same.

I feel God is doing something in my life and in my heart.  I feel Him...

Questions

Today, I woke up and I couldn't stop thinking about Grayson.  Sometimes, you just can't help but ask questions.  I would be lying to you if I told you that I hadn't questioned God in the last 5 weeks since Grayson's death.  You better believe that I have questioned Him several times.  Today was one of those days.  As we drove to church, I was overcome with questions of why.  Why couldn't I have made it until this week?  He would have been viable.  Why didn't I notice I was dilating?  Why did God choose Grayson to go home?  Why did it have to happen to me?  I often times just want to go back 6 weeks ago and stay there.

So today, as God so often does, He spoke right to me at church.  We were talking about the good life.  We talked about how the good life, as a believer, means that our sole joy is in the law of the Lord.  That, when we live in His will and in His plan, we have the good life.  If we really believe that, then God is good no matter the circumstances and that He loves me desperately.  Bang.  I mean, whack me over the head!  Like I said in the last post, I truly believe that God is good, but some days, I struggle with it.  Because, let's face it.  I am human and am putting my faith in a God that I can't physically see.  But just as I cross bridges and trust that they are going to hold me up, I also am going to go through this life, trusting that Jesus is walking right beside me...  And even carrying me when I am too weak to walk on my own.  I posted a quote awhile back and it is so true. Oswald Chambers says "Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand."

So the question remains, do I have faith?  Do I have confidence in God's character? Can I trust Him though I may not have a full understanding.  The answer, without a doubt, yes!  So like, Abraham did with Isaac, I will take everything that is precious and dear to me to the alter, ready to sacrifice it, if that is what God asks of me.  Because ultimately, God sees what I can't.  He sees beyond the here and now.  And thank God He does.  Thank you Jesus for never letting me go, even when I stray and question your perfect will.

We ended with the song "None But Jesus" by Hillsong.  And I sang these lyrics with everything in me because I know them to be true in my life.  I have seen it.

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

And I pray that I live out the chorus:

There is no one else for me

None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free

Now I live to bring Him praise

So instead of going back to six weeks ago and staying there, I move forward, ever so slowly, but trusting in Jesus, every step of the way... It's all I can do!