Some days I definitely feel like I am pretending. People ask me how I am doing and my response is that I am doing well. But honestly, I am pretending. I am so overwhelmed. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am overwhelmed with how to live my daily life and still remember Grayson. I was talking to my mom a couple days ago and somehow it came up that I was really sad that Collins will never know her little brother and that our future babies will never know their big brother. And then we started talking about his birthday... and she said, "as the years go on, the date will always be special, but you won't celebrate it them same way". And I just started bawling. I don't know why, but the thought of not celebrating my son's birthday each and every year breaks my heart. It makes me feel like I would be forgetting him... and I don't ever want to! I KNOW that I won't... but, she was right. We will move on. And as the months and years pass, it will become easier. I know that Grayson won't ever have his feelings hurt that we don't celebrate him with a big party, but I do. It hurts my feelings... it hurts my heart. But reality... he isn't here. He isn't here and isn't going to be here. Most people will never know him. I am only 27 years old and the people I meet over the next 50+ years won't get to know about this little boy who forever changed my life. Sure, they will know about him if I tell them, but, that's it. Just word of mouth. How can a life so short change my life so much? I mean, I guess that is true of all of us at some point. We all die and then the people after us don't know us, but why is that so much harder with a baby? Because they never really got to live life... And I talked about this before, but I grieve the dreams I had of having a little boy. I had images of him playing baseball with his daddy. I had images of taking two kiddos to Minnesota over Thanksgiving and introducing Grayson to the family for the first time. I had a visions of two little kiddos at Christmas this year. And all of those dreams died along with Grayson. And each day, I have to work through something different. Now, I know this is a season. I know that it will get easier as it goes, but right now... today... it just sucks. Totally and utterly sucks.
But can I just reiterate this truth, that I am reminded of daily as I grieve Grayson? God has my back. :) He knows exactly how I am feeling today. He knows each and every day and what I need to get through the day. He feels my pain as closely as anyone can. He too lost a Son... and had to witness not just His son dying too early, but the most horrific death on a cross. It wasn't fair for God either. BUT He choose to do that for me because He loves me just that much. Yes, THAT MUCH! Incredible...
So as a reminder (as much to me as anyone else), there is nothing that you are going through that God doesn't see. My God loves me. And He loves you... More than we could EVER imagine!!!!
Monday, October 29, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
10,000 Reasons
It has been almost a month since I have let you into my world... Not intentionally. I honestly haven't had time to sit down and just write out my thoughts... which, honestly, have been pretty convoluted these days.
As the days go on after losing Grayson, I am starting to realize how different my life is looking. He was due on October 7th. Appropriate in so many ways because we have a lot of 7's in our family. My birthday is December 7, our anniversary is January 7, Collins original due date was February 7 (it was moved back) and Damon proposed to me on May 7. On that day, we went out to see him for the first time. We went out and sat by his little grave site and just smiled talking about the memories we have of him. I didn't cry. I cried earlier that day, but I was at peace when we went to visit him. We brought him some beautiful blue hydrangeas. Don't ask me why, but for some reason, I was very insistent that we had blue hydrangeas at his memorial service. There has never been anything significant about those flowers to me, but I wanted them and wouldn't settle for anything else. So now, they have a VERY special meaning. And I love that they grow in people's yards and I get glimpses of my little boy everywhere!
After visiting him, we dreamed about future babies and our life. In no way will Grayson ever be replaced, but we so want to have more little babies. You should see the joy that spreads across Damon's face when we talk about more babies. He seriously is the best daddy! We also decided that we wanted to celebrate the little life and joy we have in Collins. So we decided to celebrate! We went to the Pumpkin Patch! She loved it last year and she loved it even more this year. It was a sweet time with my family... just remembering Grayson and celebrating his life, Collins' life and more lives to come. Our God is really soo good to us.
As I was reflecting on all of these thoughts this morning, I started to cry. Both tears of joy and tears of sadness. There is a huge part of me that just doesn't think this is fair. I should have a two week old demanding my attention right now. How I long to hear those little cries. And the tears of joy come from knowing exactly what Christ did for me. Because of that, I don't have to hide my tears of sadness and frustration. He has already counted all of them.
Music has played a huge role in my life lately. Play the song 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman and I will cry EVERY time. This is the song that was playing the Sunday morning at church after losing Grayson and I sang it with all my heart.
This is my prayer as we continue to move forward with our lives "Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes... For all His goodness, I will keep on singing, TEN THOUSAND reasons for my heart to find!".
As the days go on after losing Grayson, I am starting to realize how different my life is looking. He was due on October 7th. Appropriate in so many ways because we have a lot of 7's in our family. My birthday is December 7, our anniversary is January 7, Collins original due date was February 7 (it was moved back) and Damon proposed to me on May 7. On that day, we went out to see him for the first time. We went out and sat by his little grave site and just smiled talking about the memories we have of him. I didn't cry. I cried earlier that day, but I was at peace when we went to visit him. We brought him some beautiful blue hydrangeas. Don't ask me why, but for some reason, I was very insistent that we had blue hydrangeas at his memorial service. There has never been anything significant about those flowers to me, but I wanted them and wouldn't settle for anything else. So now, they have a VERY special meaning. And I love that they grow in people's yards and I get glimpses of my little boy everywhere!
After visiting him, we dreamed about future babies and our life. In no way will Grayson ever be replaced, but we so want to have more little babies. You should see the joy that spreads across Damon's face when we talk about more babies. He seriously is the best daddy! We also decided that we wanted to celebrate the little life and joy we have in Collins. So we decided to celebrate! We went to the Pumpkin Patch! She loved it last year and she loved it even more this year. It was a sweet time with my family... just remembering Grayson and celebrating his life, Collins' life and more lives to come. Our God is really soo good to us.
As I was reflecting on all of these thoughts this morning, I started to cry. Both tears of joy and tears of sadness. There is a huge part of me that just doesn't think this is fair. I should have a two week old demanding my attention right now. How I long to hear those little cries. And the tears of joy come from knowing exactly what Christ did for me. Because of that, I don't have to hide my tears of sadness and frustration. He has already counted all of them.
Music has played a huge role in my life lately. Play the song 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman and I will cry EVERY time. This is the song that was playing the Sunday morning at church after losing Grayson and I sang it with all my heart.
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Bless the Lord O my soul,
O my soul.
Worship His holy name.
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name.
You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
Bless the Lord O my soul,
O my soul.
Worship His holy name.
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name.
This is my prayer as we continue to move forward with our lives "Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes... For all His goodness, I will keep on singing, TEN THOUSAND reasons for my heart to find!".
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