Pretending

Some days I definitely feel like I am pretending.  People ask me how I am doing and my response is that I am doing well.  But honestly, I am pretending.  I am so overwhelmed.  I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I am overwhelmed with how to live my daily life and still remember Grayson.  I was talking to my mom a couple days ago and somehow it came up that I was really sad that Collins will never know her little brother and that our future babies will never know their big brother.  And then we started talking about his birthday... and she said, "as the years go on, the date will always be special, but you won't celebrate it them same way".  And I just started bawling.  I don't know why, but the thought of not celebrating my son's birthday each and every year breaks my heart.  It makes me feel like I would be forgetting him... and I don't ever want to!  I KNOW that I won't... but, she was right.  We will move on.  And as the months and years pass, it will become easier.  I know that Grayson won't ever have his feelings hurt that we don't celebrate him with a big party, but I do.  It hurts my feelings... it hurts my heart.  But reality... he isn't here.  He isn't here and isn't going to be here.  Most people will never know him.  I am only 27 years old and the people I meet over the next 50+ years won't get to know about this little boy who forever changed my life.  Sure, they will know about him if I tell them, but, that's it.  Just word of mouth.  How can a life so short change my life so much?  I mean,  I guess that is true of all of us at some point.  We all die and then the people after us don't know us, but why is that so much harder with a baby?  Because they never really got to live life... And I talked about this before, but I grieve the dreams I had of having a little boy.  I had images of him playing baseball with his daddy.  I had images of taking two kiddos to Minnesota over Thanksgiving and introducing Grayson to the family for the first time.  I had a visions of two little kiddos at Christmas this year.  And all of those dreams died along with Grayson.  And each day, I have to work through something different.  Now, I know this is a season.  I know that it will get easier as it goes, but right now... today... it just sucks.  Totally and utterly sucks.

But can I just reiterate this truth, that I am reminded of daily as I grieve Grayson?  God has my back. :)  He knows exactly how I am feeling today.  He knows each and every day and what I need to get through the day.  He feels my pain as closely as anyone can.  He too lost a Son... and had to witness not just His son dying too early, but the most horrific death on a cross.  It wasn't fair for God either.  BUT He choose to do that for me because He loves me just that much.  Yes, THAT MUCH!  Incredible...

So as a reminder (as much to me as anyone else), there is nothing that you are going through that God doesn't see.  My God loves me.  And He loves you... More than we could EVER imagine!!!!