Questions

Today, I woke up and I couldn't stop thinking about Grayson.  Sometimes, you just can't help but ask questions.  I would be lying to you if I told you that I hadn't questioned God in the last 5 weeks since Grayson's death.  You better believe that I have questioned Him several times.  Today was one of those days.  As we drove to church, I was overcome with questions of why.  Why couldn't I have made it until this week?  He would have been viable.  Why didn't I notice I was dilating?  Why did God choose Grayson to go home?  Why did it have to happen to me?  I often times just want to go back 6 weeks ago and stay there.

So today, as God so often does, He spoke right to me at church.  We were talking about the good life.  We talked about how the good life, as a believer, means that our sole joy is in the law of the Lord.  That, when we live in His will and in His plan, we have the good life.  If we really believe that, then God is good no matter the circumstances and that He loves me desperately.  Bang.  I mean, whack me over the head!  Like I said in the last post, I truly believe that God is good, but some days, I struggle with it.  Because, let's face it.  I am human and am putting my faith in a God that I can't physically see.  But just as I cross bridges and trust that they are going to hold me up, I also am going to go through this life, trusting that Jesus is walking right beside me...  And even carrying me when I am too weak to walk on my own.  I posted a quote awhile back and it is so true. Oswald Chambers says "Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand."

So the question remains, do I have faith?  Do I have confidence in God's character? Can I trust Him though I may not have a full understanding.  The answer, without a doubt, yes!  So like, Abraham did with Isaac, I will take everything that is precious and dear to me to the alter, ready to sacrifice it, if that is what God asks of me.  Because ultimately, God sees what I can't.  He sees beyond the here and now.  And thank God He does.  Thank you Jesus for never letting me go, even when I stray and question your perfect will.

We ended with the song "None But Jesus" by Hillsong.  And I sang these lyrics with everything in me because I know them to be true in my life.  I have seen it.

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

And I pray that I live out the chorus:

There is no one else for me

None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free

Now I live to bring Him praise

So instead of going back to six weeks ago and staying there, I move forward, ever so slowly, but trusting in Jesus, every step of the way... It's all I can do!