Dear Grayson

I know, it's been awhile.  Lots to write about, but tonight, I just needed to write to my son.

My dear sweet Grayson-

As I have prepared for your little sister, Kinley, to arrive,   I want you to know that I think of you constantly.  I am preparing another room for another little girl, when I thought the next room I would be preparing would be yours.  I had your bedding picked out and everything- little skyscrapers that reminded me of where your daddy and I met, in New York City.  I dreamed of putting your name on the wall.  I never dreamed that so quickly, that name would be replaced with the initials of another sweet girl’s.  Little did I know, that God was preparing the perfect room for you, with Him.  While I am excited and over-joyed that God choose me to be a mommy again, and to a precious sweet girl, I find myself missing you terribly. I feel her move and dream of the times when I felt you doing sommersaults- even though I never even knew you this long.  I so wish that you were here to watch out for your sisters.  Instead, I trust that you are watching out for them from up above.  I know you are going to be the best big brother from up there.

Did you know that your little sister is due just the week before your first birthday and glory day?  When we asked God to redeem May and the sadness we had about the month and having to let you go, we never dreamed that redemption would look like this.  We never thought that we would be blessed with another baby so quickly.  Somehow, I have a feeling you put in a good word for us!  J  And we couldn’t be more excited.  I do know that week is going to be terribly emotional.  I hope you know that in being so happy and excited about your little sister, we will still be missing you with every breath of our beings.  She does not replace you sweet boy.  She just adds to your legacy here.  I can’t wait to one day tell her about you!

Life keeps going down here, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you.  I see your little lovies, Manny the monkey, and I want to hear you rattle them.  Your big sister inherited one (we thought you would like that), but every time we here it rattle, we are reminded of you.  Collins knows all about you.  And even asks about you from time-to-time.  She points to our tattoos often and asks “Is that Grayson”?  And sometimes, I think you show up here because she will point to random little boy things we have and say “That’s Grayson’s.”  And it would have been and should have been.  Just know that your big sister misses you too.

It’s late and I need to get to sleep and rest my swollen feet, but I just had to write you and tell you “hi” and that I was thinking about you.  You are and will forever be my special boy.  You are not forgotten.  You have a very special place in our family.  I hope you know that and feel that, even in heaven.  Give Jesus a high five from us and tell Him that we are sure trying to do a good job of sharing His love through your story.   I hope we are making you both proud.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Mommy

Room Updates and Breakthrough

Life has been pretty busy around here!  I have had some more energy so I have been trying to get things done around the house that I KNOW need to be completed before I am too big to finish the projects!!

Project 1-  The downstairs kids/game-room.  Anyone who has been to our house knows how badly I have wanted to finish this room since we moved into this house 3.5 years ago!  I just knew that I didn't want to settle... so when I had a little extra income come in from a huge project, I told Damon I knew right what it was going to... a new couch!  That with a little help from Christmas $, I was able to complete the room!! Woohoo!!  We went from this:

 

To This! :)

And the Kids Corner... separated by the couch so they have their own little spot! :) PERFECT!!

I am SOOO happy with the end results!  Colorful, fun and totally what I had envisioned... even if my hubby questioned it EVERY step of the way!!! :)

Next Up... Collins' Big Girl Room... And then Kinley's nursery... Woah... Stresses me out!!  We only have about 3 more months to go!  Crazy!!

And speaking of pregnancy, I am feeling great these days!  HUGE, but great!! :)  They say you gain faster with each one.. and seeing as I was just pregnant with Grayson, my body never got back to "normal" so I am definitely bigger this go around, but I am not complaining.  Big baby, but healthy baby!! Kinley is currently measuring over a week ahead of schedule, which I am totally ok with!! :)  She is perfect though! And active, just like her big sister was!  I'm telling you, I just know Grayson had my laid back personality and both my girls are going to be crazy hooligans like their daddy!

Emotionally, I had a MAJOR breakthrough.  The circumstances of how this occurred was not good and definitely not a proud moment, but I really feel like God used it as a "red-flag" moment that I wasn't truly trusting Him with EVERYTHING.  I spent a good several hours crying it all out.  I had to realize that I still miss my baby boy and will every day for the rest of my life here on earth, but that doesn't mean that I can't ever be really happy again.  I think at times I felt like if I was too happy, I was forgetting about the sorrow I felt, which meant that I was forgetting Grayson.  I am slowly realizing that God never told me to forget, just to find joy in all circumstances.  Easier to say than do.  I am in the process of slowly, but surely, enjoying each and every moment.  I can't even tell you how refreshed I feel.  I am finally enjoying being pregnant again... and every minute isn't a reminder of what I lost.  I am finding so much joy in my almost 2 year old, who brings more laughter than I ever thought possible.  She seems to just know when mommy needs some loving.  The other day, when I told her I loved her, she responded by saying "Lub you more mommy".  Bestill my heart.  And she is a daily reminder that we will not forget little brother.  She constantly points out things, whether it be his lovey (Manny, the monkey) or mommy's tattoo of Grayson's little feet and says "Grayson, Grayson" and smiles big.  What a blessing that even though she doesn't really know what has happened, she knows she has a little brother!  What sweet sweet moments for this mama's heart.  Storing up these moments and treasuring each of them in the time I have left with just one sweet baby girl at this house.

Keep the prayers coming.  God is healing my heart.  I know it will never fully heal this side of heaven, but I do know this... I know that my God is in the business of renewing hearts and revealing Himself.  I know He cares deeply about me, about Damon, and about all 3 of my kiddos.  And in that, I can stand secure!

20 Weeks, 5 Days

Yesterday marked 20 weeks, 5 days.  20 weeks and 5 day of carrying Kinley.  20 weeks and 5 days was all I got to spend with my Grayson.  20 weeks and 5 days is just far too short of a time.  I mean, the chances of something happening to Kinley on the exact same day as Grayson is slim to none, but I was still glad to get that day over and done with.

I kept thinking about if I had known that that would be the last day I would carry Grayson, would I have done anything differently... what would be going through my head?  I quickly realized that I would do everything I did.  I was just living life, but I was still innocent in a lot of ways.  Innocent to the things that "can" happen.  I knew what could happen, but no girl really thinks that they could happen to her.  In a lot of ways, I find myself so jealous of girls who still have this innocence.  Jealous of girls who complain when they feel rotten because of pregnancy.  You see, I can't complain about feeling rotten because feeling rotten is the best feeling in the world after you have lost a baby... because it means you are still pregnant!  Only girls who have been through something like this can say that so definitely.  If you still have this innocence, CHERISH it!! It is a gift from the Lord!!

Today, I am thanking God that we have made it to 20 weeks and 6 days.  For me, I can breathe a little sigh of relief... I had two doctors appointments on Tuesday and got good reports from both.  My cervix hasn't shown any changes, which is huge!  I asked Dr. Sellers if he felt like we would have already seen changes if something were going to happen and he said "yes", so that made me feel much more at peace.  He said from here on, we should be able to have pretty normal appointments.  I know there are still no guarantees though.  So, I still have some fear, fear that I continue to turn over to Jesus each and every morning.  In the same breath, I also have hope.  Hope that I have a God who sees me and will see this pregnancy through to 40 weeks!

Please continue to pray for me, for my health, for Kinley and her health, for Damon (poor guy is dealing with my ever-changing emotions... ) and just for our family as we anticipate and prepare for Kinley's arrival.  I have found that I have had a hard time even doing this stuff... I had bought Grayson's bedding, several pieces of clothing, his "lovies"... all things that are now stored away because we never got to use them.  It is hard to now be buying things for Kinley and trusting that these too won't get stored away.  In faith, I have started this process, but it is weird how even these things create a little fear in me!  I never would have thought that buying crib bedding would invoke some fear.  it is pretty crazy... and I definitely feel crazy at times.  It is so hard to know what is "normal" in all of this!  Thankful for friends who are walking each step of this with me and don't hesitate to tell me when I am not being "normal"- whatever that is!!

Thanks so much for your continued prayers over me and our family.  They keep us going.  Thanks for being excited about Kinley arriving, even when I haven't been there all the time.  Thanks for loving us. We seriously could not do this without you all.  And thank you to Jesus, who has blessed us with an amazing baby girl.  Kinley Pearl,  I cannot wait to see your sweet face and hold your sweet hands in May.  My heart longs for that day.  Until then, I will cherish every moment of you growing inside me... feeling you move and kick, knowing that you can hear me.  Know you are loved beyond words.  You represent a hope that is far beyond what you could have ever imagined.  We love you!!

And last, but not least, I will leave you with our Christmas card.  This pretty much sums up our year! :)  (You can click on the images to view closer up!)

7 Months, 19 Weeks, and Freedom

I thought I would go ahead and post now as I know I won't have time to post with Christmas festivities starting tomorrow!  We are currently in snowy, Coeur d'Alene, Idaho... Winter Weather advisory for tonight, which definitely means more soft, fluffy snow in the morning.  Definitely my idea of Christmas morning.  Don't get me wrong, the rest of the year, I am ok without snow, but there is just something about having Christmas morning white, that makes the holiday seem so much more... right!!

December 25th marks 7 months since we lost Grayson.  Unbelievable... I still can't believe that our little boy isn't here to experience Christmas with us.  How I was looking forward to having a little boy to buy trains and cars for!  However, I do know that he is going to experience the BEST Christmas ever!!  I mean, the King we are celebrating down here, is the King he is running around with up there!! What an amazing and beautiful picture!!  I know that my Jesus is holding him oh so close.  This picture definitely makes it easier, but it still hurts so deep.

My pregnancy is going great, so far.  My last two appointments have gone as expected and I am not showing any signs of an early delivery.  My cervix has stayed the exact same length, so far.  Our next appt is on Jan 31st.  This will be the last one to check my cervical length and then, the hope is, that all appointments after that would be "normal", which is still much more than "normal"!  Every 4 weeks to the high risk and every 4 weeks to my regular ob and every 4 weeks to my endocrinologist... Which averages about 1 appt every week and a half! Whew... exhausting just thinking about all of it, but it is certainly worth it!!  So physically, everything is going great.

Emotionally... still a roller coaster.  I am 19 weeks and 1 day.  We lost Grayson at 20 weeks and 5 days... So that is right around the corner.  And that leaves my heart feeling so anxious, especially while I am not at home.  In some ways, this part of the waiting feels like I am counting down the days until I have to say "good-bye" to Kinley instead of counting down the days that I will say "hello" to her in person.  And this leaves me feeling pretty heavy.  I am praying against all of these feelings.  Part of this time has been so good because I am cherishing the time I have with her... no matter how long that may be.  It causes me to stop and really enjoy the kicks of my sweet baby girl.  It causes me to really take time for her, praying for her and anticipating God's plan for her life.  However, I have to daily choose to turn her over to Jesus and trust Him because, right now, this is NOT coming naturally.

During this season, I want to experience true joy.  My whole family is ready to see me experience true joy again.  My mom told me that my whole family wants to see that... and until they do, it stops them from experiencing it fully.  I don't want that.  I don't want to be the thing that holds my family back from experience the true joy that Christ offers us.  Hoping that it will come with time and with God's grace.  As I have said, I know that this joy only comes from Christ, so I choose to place my whole heart in His hands, in hopes that He will answer this prayer!  Please pray with us!  I want to experience this joy during this hopeful Christmas season.  I want to experience the freedom from these feelings that Christ offers.  I don't have to be bound to this...  As the song says:

My Chains are gone,  I've been set free
My God, My Savior has ransomed me
And life a flood, His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing Grace

He has already released my chains.  He has already set me free.  He has ransomed me.  And it all started this season over 2000 years ago.  Lord, let us experience joy, rest, and hope in You this season!

Kinley Pearl

Recently, I was talking to a friend about our daughter's name, Kinley Pearl and where we got it from.  

As I shared in the last post, we loved the name Kinley and had it picked out awhile ago (it was our girl choice before we knew Grayson was a boy).  Kinley means "fair warrior".  A warrior is someone who is trained in combat or warfare.  I love this in light of all we have been through.  I feel like she is being my warrior.  She is fighting for me... fighting for my hope.  She is a constant reminder to me of the battles we face every day in trusting Christ.  Bottom line, we believe in an invisible God.  And that never becomes more apparent than when you have been through tragedy.  You are having to trust in someone you cannot see... and that, in and of itself is a major battle.  Fortunately, God is gracious enough to allow people to show His love and grace in tangible ways.  The rest of these 5 months are going to be a battle, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  In a lot of ways, I feel like I am fighting everyday.  Fighting fear of losing and burying another baby.  Fighting sadness.  Fighting the sin in my heart that causes me to not fully trust Christ with this little life.  Fighting my brain as I have started feeling her kick and then don't feel her for awhile... and fighting the worry that comes with it.  Fight, fight, fight.  I am exhausted, but Kinley is a warrior.  And the only person she is able to learn this from is Jesus... who is teaching her exactly how to fight... and it is unadulterated and perfect.  She is helping me fight every day.

And Pearl is after my sweet grandma.  I'll have you know that when I called and told my grandma we were naming our little girl after her, her immediate response was, (in her Minnesotan accent) "Oh, honey, are you sure you want to do that?".  I immediately responded with a "yes", but her response just made me giggle.  She really can't believe that anyone would want to name their kids after her... such grace and humility.  We could ALL learn from her!  

A couple days after I shared this information with my friend, she sent me text asking me if I remembered what we learned in school about where a pearl comes from... and went on to explain.  Now, this came back to me as she was telling me, but I hadn't thought about it AT ALL with picking out the name.  So a pearl is created because of an injury.  It is created when a foreign object like dirt gets into the shell of an oyster by mistake.  This causes the oyster to be irritated.  In order to protect itself, it covers the intruding object with a mineral known as nacre.  It continues to do this for several layers over several months and years, eventually forming a pearl.  So you see, a pearl is something beautiful that is created from an injury.  But it takes time for this healing to take place and for beauty to be the result.  Jesus is the nacre... and He continues to cover this injury and hurt over and over again.  I think it is pretty cool that God gave us this name (a couple years ago) and reserved it specifically for this little girl.  And He gave us this name without us even thinking about the physical process it takes for a pearl to be created.  Because Kinley will be just that... our pearl.  Our something beautiful that has come out of an injury and something that hurts so much.

Her name gives me hope, gives me joy and gives me peace.  All because of the meanings associated with her name... meanings I never even considered when we picked her name.  I mean, really, how cool is our God?  That He allowed this name to be for this child?  Only Him.

Pink or Blue?!

Life around the Woodward house has been busy, to say the least.  I have been really overwhelmed with this pregnancy.  I think that I just have so many emotions surrounding it that I tend to just shut off all emotion... and then I am pretty numb to it all.  And then, it comes out as frustration at times.  And then I just cry because I don't feel like myself.  I have really struggled with being super excited about it all.  Don't get me wrong, we are definitely excited about having a baby, but I am still grieving a lot.  We just passed the 6 month mark of having Grayson and giving him to Jesus and that is NOT that long!!  On top of that, (and this may be TMI for some of you) but since last December, I have only had 1 period!! And that my friends is A LOT of hormones!!!  So if you see me, and I just randomly lose it, please remember that!!  Please just remember to keep me specifically and my heart in your prayers.  I am in a place of feeling like if I am too happy, I am not remembering Grayson and if I am too sad, then I am not being happy about this baby... and neither one of those is true.  My prayer is just that Christ fills my heart with joy again.... TRUE joy!  Within the context of true joy, I can be happy or sad because joy comes from the heart and isn't a wavering feeling!  And true joy only comes from Jesus and trusting in His plan for me!  So, please join me in praying for joy, amongst the continued health of me and this baby!!

Ok...Moving on!  I don't know why, but I was nervous about this appointment.  I think I was afraid that they would find something wrong that they had missed before... And we had to wait for a good hour and a half before going back to see the doc.  Once back there though, God immediately relieved this fear as the doctor did the ultrasound, measuring head circumference, skin thickness, length of bones in arms and legs, length of feet, etc.  Everything was PERFECT!  The baby is right on track.  He showed us the little face.  What a sweet little face!! And what an active little thing!! The baby was moving non-stop, just like Collins was at EVERY appointment!!  I just smiled contently watching the screen as I saw this little life moving away inside me.  What a surreal moment.  It is every time, but this time, even more so given the circumstances.  He then moved on to tell us whether Collins and Grayson were going to have a little sister or brother.  I had my suspicions, but I had pretty much kept those to myself!! :)  At first, the umbilical cord was in the way, so he went to looking at the other things and came back.  Then he came back to look again, and the cord was still in the way.  I said "come on Jesus, please let us see!"  And the next time he went to look... We got a really good look!!  And we found out!!!  Watch the video below as we announced to my family the news!

DON'T CHEAT... WATCH THE VIDEO!!!






















So, the candy that fell was all different colors, but the suckers were all one color!! :)

PINK!  It's another sweet baby girl!!

Now, let me just share with you, we felt that no matter what we heard, it was a little bittersweet.  We really wanted a boy because that is what we lost, but we really wanted a girl because we didn't want to feel like he would "replace" Grayson.  But we have trusted that God knows our hearts and our emotions and would give us EXACTLY what we needed, so we couldn't be more excited that He choose to bless us with a beautiful baby girl! And last, but not least, her name.

Kinley Pearl Woodward

Her middle name is after my grandma, one of the sweetest ladies you will ever meet and someone who has demonstrated Christ to me and our family for many, many years!!  We pray that she grows up to be much like my grandma!

Well, that's it for tonight!  Sorry to keep you waiting!! :)  Again, we covet your prayers for my joy, our hearts and the continued process of healing and for the on-going health of me and sweet Kinley!

Expecting Blessings

In one of my previous posts, I wrote about expecting suffering (click here to read about it).  As I said in that post, we, as believers, should not be surprised by suffering.  In fact, we should expect it.  Christ Jesus suffered much in this world.  In contrast, we should also expect God's greatest blessings.  And that is just what the Bible tells us to do.  Hebrews 11:6 says "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him."  So you see, as we earnestly seek Him, He rewards us. And James 1:17 says "Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." I love that verse.  Everything good that we experience in life comes from a good God who DOES NOT CHANGE.  Doesn't that bring such comfort?!  While most people we know change day in and day out, we have a God who is consistent and doesn't waiver in turning our hearts towards Him.

Damon and I have been in a time of suffering.  And it has been the hardest place we have ever been in.  We have had to continually turn towards Christ and look to His face to find peace and comfort.  While walking through this time, we have also been expectantly waiting a time of blessing.  But as Hebrews says, blessings only come as we earnestly seek Him.  So that is exactly what Damon and I have been doing.  There are several things that we have been praying specifically for:

• That we honor Christ with Grayson's life
• That each of you learn more about who our God is by hearing this story that God is writing for the Woodward family.
• That God would redeem the month of May for us.
• That we would TRUST Christ with His plans- no matter what that looked like.
• That we would remember that our God is sovereign.
• The God would bless us with more babies... and quickly.
• That we would not be fearful.
• We would continue to be parents to Collins who let her see who Jesus is.

We know that Christ was capable of all these things, so we entered a time of expecting blessings... and waiting.  And on September 4, we got an answer!  This is the card that I gave Damon that day.

We found out we are expecting Baby Woodward #3!  We knew we wanted it to happen quickly, but we had NO idea that God would bless us that quickly.  Our first appointment was September 25... 4 months to the day of losing Grayson.  As you can imagine, we were pretty nervous for this appointment.  We earnestly prayed that we would hear a heartbeat and I even made them assume my due date was a week later so that we would be safe.  We went in and heard the best little heartbeat! :)  Much to my surprise, I was just 6 weeks along (I thought I was more like 9).  And they gave us a due date of May 18, 2013.... Just one week before Grayson's glory day!  Our prayers had been answered... We asked God to redeem May for us and in our minds, this was redemption at it's finest!

So as of Saturday, we are 12 weeks pregnant.  How am I feeling?  Nauseous most days... which I am thankful for!  I didn't feel sick with Grayson at all so I think God knew that I needed to feel a little sick to have some peace.  And EXHAUSTED!  Hopefully, now that I have finished the first trimester, I will start to feel some relief!  Emotionally, I am nervous.  I am overwhelmed.  I am scared.  I really haven't gotten too excited... I know that sounds crazy, but I think that I am just protecting my heart.  In love.  I am already so in love with this baby.  This baby does not in ANY WAY replace Grayson and what we lost, but this baby is a blessing and we are so thankful for this life.  As we go through the next 6 months, here is what we are specifically asking for prayer for:

1. That God would allow us to bring this baby home in May.
2. Health- My health and the baby's health.
3. Our hearts.  That God would calm our fears each day- especially as we approach week 20.
4. Trust- that we would trust God with this baby's life, just like we have with both Collins and Grayson.
5. Joy- that we would really be able to let go of the fears and experience pure joy!

Here is a picture from when we went and shared the news with our little boy.  We know that he will be the best big brother to this new baby... I mean, he is an angel watching over each of us and what more could you ask for in a big brother?! Or in Collins' case, a little brother! :)

I can't end this post without saying thank you to all of you.  I know that so many of you have been praying for us each and every day as we have walked this path.  And those prayers mean the world to us... And we have felt them.  We see the face of Christ as we see how you all, our Christian family, have rallied around us.  We wouldn't be here without you.  So, thank you, thank you, thank you.  You will never know the love we have felt as you guys have grieved with us and now rejoice with us.  We love you all!

"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need you will abound in every good work."

2 Corinthians 9:8